I don’t know about you, but after days and nights of stark raving madness brought on by a knowledge beyond man’s ken, I need some serious meds to sleep. We’re talking opiates, folks. And not just the opiate of the masses– hard drugs, administered to me by my manservant Chang Li.
What I’m saying is that it takes some work to get me out of bed in the late afternoon.
Unlike most clocks, WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! Alarm Clock reads all sixes on its face. But in its presence, you know the time. Somehow you just know. You can choose from several different ring tones, including standard, raptor screech, that horror-movie sliding strings sound, ten hours of “It’s a Small World After All” on repeat with a phaser and pitch modulation, and the Wilhelm scream.
(I say you can choose, but I haven’t actually figured out how– I think it has something to do with rewinding the clock to 5:59 on its third, invisible hand, all while chanting the Lord’s Prayer backwards. That’s as much as I’ve deciphered thus far.)
The product is available in a variety of colors: red, blue, green, yellow, and white. But the colors are all a lie. In truth, there is nothing but blackness.
Overall, I would recommend the WAKE UP, SHEEPLE! Alarm Clock. In a word, it’s ngydw’lrfd’nntastic!
REX CHUNDER is a Senior at Miskatonic University, double-majoring in Classics and Non-Euclidian Geometry. His hobbies include travel and collecting rare books. He is an intern at Illuminaughty Boutique.