Top Ten Folk Cures for AIDS

aids

Since its introduction into Africa by the CIA in the late 1970s, HIV/AIDS has ravaged the continent and beyond, and the people of the world clamor for a cure.  Thankfully, a handful of individuals and entrepreneurs are hard at work to find a cure, if only by trial and error.  In this article, we highlight some of the most notable efforts.

 

babylon5shirt

10. Sex with a virgin

Contrary to popular belief, the idea of the restorative powers of virgin-sex are not an invention of “savage Africans” who “lack morals”; the myth likely is a colonial transplant from some of the most moralistic people of all times, the Victorians.  The overall idea is that, to cleanse yourself of your vile infection, you need to wipe yourself off with something clean.  That “something clean” being a person.

Pros:

  • (If consensual): Some good, clean fun.
  • (If with a child): Not technically pederasty, since it’s not based on attraction to children.

Cons:

  • (If non-consensual): This is rape, a crime considered in many societies to be on par with murder.
  • (If with a child): The phrase “not technically pederasty” should never be used to justify anything.  Ever.
  • Does not actually cure AIDS.  In fact, it spreads HIV.  Oh you damned, damned Victorians– how did you dream this up?

 

virol-zapper

9. Virol ZAPPER

Tropa Group’s Virol Zapper has been marketed in Uganda as a “miracle cure” for AIDS.  Each 37ml bottle costs along the lines of US$210.  It is suggested that adults take ten drops per day, and children five drops.

Pros:

  • Due to the placebo effect, patients may feel as if they’re temporarily getting better.

Cons:

  • The fact that Tropa Group’s owner, Abigaba Simon, is on the run from Ugandan police?  Not a good sign.
  • Does not actually cure AIDS.

 

vitacell

8. VitaCell

Self-made researcher and vitamin salesman Matthias Rath‘s product, VitaCell, consists of high-dose multivitamins and is purported to cure AIDS.  Rath is the author of a 2007 book entitled “End AIDS!” which details “pharmaceutical colonialism and its genocidal consequences for people in the developing world.”

Pros:

  • Rath is standing up against Big Pharma.
  • Rath’s methods are being tested on human subjects, usually in exchange for living stipends and canned food.

Cons:

  • Rath’s vitamin trials have killed somewhere between five and twelve people.  But who’s counting?
  • Does not actually cure AIDS.

 

Garani-MW-1-300x225

7. Garani-MW1

In the country of Malawi, Ministry of Health employee Gloria Kantema Jeremiah has patented her own cure for AIDS, which a now-defunct website claims has “strong antiviral properties and therefore also positively affects [the] immune system.”  The product is also purported to cure diabetes, high blood pressure, asthma, stomach ulcers, sickle cell, and other abdominal swellings in the body, amenorrhea, frequent and nonstop headaches, chest pains and breathlessness, chronic undefined coughs, skin rashes, other skin conditions, cancer, hair loss, swollen lymph nodes, painful legs, asthma, unexplained weight loss, numbness in the legs and other body parts, hormonal imbalances, general body weaknesses and pains, chronic wounds, diabetes, high blood pressure, loss of memory, cancerous growths, anaemia, and skin discolorations, amongst other diseases.

Pros:

  • Look at all those things it cures!  Wow.  Go big or go home.
  • Inventor works in the nation’s Ministry of Health.

Cons:

  • Patent does not seem to actually exist.
  • Does not actually cure AIDS.

 

khomeini

6. Khomeini I

Rather than being associated with the now-passed Iranian ayatollah and Sean Connery impersonator, Khomeini I is yet another “herbal treatment,” this one marketed in Uganda by Elahi International.

Pros:

  • Tests were conducted by the Ugandan Government on this drug.
  • If nothing else, a drug named Khomeini might just scare the AIDS right out of you.

Cons:

  • Tests showed that the drug had no effect.
  • Does not actually cure AIDS.

 

doroviro-sida

5. Dorviro-SIDA

Just three tablespoons of a brownish syrup every day can help reduce the “viral load” of AIDS according to Association of Traditional Medicine President Amancio Valentim.  A product of twelve years of research, Dorviro-SIDA (“Go to sleep, AIDS!”) has cured four people, says Valentim.  Each batch takes seven days to brew, and bottles contain 500ml of the syrup.  A label on the outside reads as follows: Dorviro-Sida, plant mixture, able to put the AIDS virus to sleep. Advice: Do not isolate yourself from the community. Face the disease naturally. Follow your doctor’s advice. Use a condom during sex.

Pros:

  • Isolation can lead to crippling psychological conditions which can compound existing health issues.  If a little bit of courage juice in the morning helps you get out the door, good for you.
  • Unlike others on this list, Valentim seems to actually want to help.

Cons:

  • No documentation to support the idea that four people have been cured.
  • Does not actually cure AIDS.  To his credit, Valentim acknowledges this.

 

traditionalherbs

4. Traditional herbalism

Traditional healers and herbalists in Kenya and elsewhere have touted the benefits of many healing plants, chief among them the drumstick tree, Moringa oleifera.

Pros:

  • All-natural, supplied to us by the bounty of Mother Nature.
  • Following thousands of years of honored tradition.
  • May contain essential nutrients that improve health.

Cons:

  • Often times hucksters and con artists pass off cheaper substitutes for beneficial plants.
  • Does not actually cure AIDS.

 

HolyWaterBottles

3. Holy water

Rebirth Family Church’s Bishop Hamilton Nala of Durban claims that his “holy water” can cure AIDS.  A spritz here, a spritz there, and BAM!  You’re all better.  Or… maybe not so fast.  “They must say medically there is no cure for AIDS,” says Nala.  “I agree with that, but through prayer and through faith water and any material branded my name, as God said prophetically, I believe in that. People can be healed of AIDS.”

Pros:

  • Fluorine is a known mind-control agent.  However, in most parts of Africa water is unlikely to be fluoridated.
  • Untreated AIDS is in most cases lethal.  Holy water may help you get right with your creator, though, especially in conjunction with penitence and soul-searching.

Cons:

  • Not clear if the holy water used must be blessed by the Rebirth Family Church, or if the ecumenical supply of holy water will do.
  • Does not actually cure AIDS.

 

chaga-mushroom-in-chunks

2. Magical Siberian mushrooms

Russian scientists from a company that once created biological warfare agents are researching the possibility that the Chaga mushroom, a fungus that grows on Siberian birch trees, is a possible cure for AIDS.  The fungus has become an allegedly popular dietary supplement in recent years, and some how it uses something called betulinic acid to fight off “free radicals” and protect against not only AIDS but cancer.  Research is ongoing.

Pros:

  • Fuck, at this point it seems as legit as anything else on this list.

Cons:

  • Does not (as of yet) actually cure AIDS.

 

azt

1. Antiretrovirals (ARVs)

Members of the ancient Cult of Hippocrates have teamed in recent years with Big Pharma to develop a class of drugs known as antiretrovirals.

Pros:

  • 60%-80% declines in the rate of onset of AIDS have been achieved with the use of ARVs.
  • Mother-to-Child transmission of HIV can be reduced from 25% to 1%.
  • A way to maintain hope while scientists and researchers continue to look for an actual cure.

Cons:

  • High cost, for R&D and for the patient.
  • A bevy of side-effects.
  • HIV can mutate in patients, requiring the use of ever-more intense drugs, all with their ever-more-powerful side-effects.
  • Immediate feelings of joy not as intense as in the aforementioned cure-alls.
  • Does not actually cure AIDS.

 


 

My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt.  His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

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