Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Your relationship with your robot lover feels like more of a zero than a one. Relax, it happens to all of us. Just follow these 100000 tips and you’ll be running at 100% capacity in no time!
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Before anything else, run a virus scan. A clean robot is a happy robot, and you don’t want to be picking anything up from him.
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They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but have you tried running updates on him recently?
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Also check his sex drivers. Without them, he may not be “up and running” when you’re in the mood.
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OEM software is the “vanilla” of robot love-making. If things are getting stale, try something open-source, or perhaps a third-party software.
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Tickle his hard drive’s ball bearings. If you hear several loud clicks, you’ve gone too far.
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His loading screen is fairly simple, but yours is tougher for him to figure out. Let him know your progress as he’s uploading.
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Before you try anything too kinky, make sure you have a password– something more creative than password, secret, 123456, or NO.
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Backups are sort of a taboo topic, but explore them with him. Who knows– he may end up enjoying it! (And it’s a good way to keep your data safe!)
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Regular maintenance and lubrication will make your robo-love-life run much more smoothly.
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Male-to-Female and Female-to-Male connections are standard, but don’t forget that there are adapters to allow Male-to-Male and Female-to-Female cable connections!
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If his power supply is run down, he may not perform as promised. Line conditioners can work wonders, and they come in a wide variety of beautiful scents!
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Always try to fix the simplest problem first. Far too many of us find ourselves at the end of our ropes, only to find that his extension cord was unplugged.
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Is his mind 100% with you during the intimate times? If not, you may need to uninstall SETI@Home.
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That being said, even if he is a machine, he still needs his time to hibernate. Power him down from time to time and enjoy an afternoon with friends!
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Even during heavy use, it’s likely he’s building up dust inside. A quick spritz of canned air across his heat sink and through his fans can be fun for both of you!
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In some cases, you may need to search his memory and delete any photographs he has stored of a previous owner. Don’t worry– it’ll be good for both of you in the long run.
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After a stressful week at work, let him defragment in peace. In a few hours he’ll be running faster than he has been in a while!
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Did he error out during initialization? Don’t worry. It’s probably just a glitch. It happens to lots of robots. Those aren’t tears– that’s error-juice.
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Did he do something you really liked? Ask for the seed and you’re guaranteed to get a repeat performance any time you want!
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On the flip-side of things, if you feel like he’s getting a little too mechanically precise, ask him to reseed his random-number generator.
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Does he cry and start talking about his motherboard in bed? Let him open up and hold him close, but not so close that you accidentally dislodge any of his RAM. He’s in a vulnerable state.
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If you feel like his mood is negatively impacting performance, take him out shopping for case mods! We can guarantee he won’t do this on his own, but your eye is best when deciding how he should look. And he’ll thank you!
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If you feel like he’s shouting at you, check to see if CAPS LOCK is on.
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When it doubt, take his cartridge out, blow in it a few times, and then put it back in.
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It’s easy to get stuck on his output, but remember that he needs input as well. I/O is a two-way street.
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Think about your feelings on multitasking before you’re in the bedroom. He may have the computing power to run multiple threads, but you may want to capture 100% of his load.
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He can have quad cores and still have one heart for you.
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Abort, Retry, or Fail? This is a tricky question. But if you’re dedicated to your relationship, you should always choose Retry.
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If you respect fidelity, it’s much wiser to control his loudness and softness with the volume knob than by modifying his files.
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Before you upgrade him, take a second look at any parts that could be salvaged and inserted into a new chassis. Imagine– you can put all that data the two of you have stored in to a much more powerful machine and not lose anything!
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Sometimes, thinking outside the bedroom is important too. Promise to say “Hello, world!” to each other every morning.
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Let him know just how Big Endian he really is. Seriously, this is important. If you read him as Little Endian, you’ll be starting over from square 000001.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
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