Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Your relationship with your robot lover feels like more of a zero than a one. Relax, it happens to all of us. Just follow these 100000 tips and you’ll be running at 100% capacity in no time!
000001
Before anything else, run a virus scan. A clean robot is a happy robot, and you don’t want to be picking anything up from him.
000010
They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but have you tried running updates on him recently?
000011
Also check his sex drivers. Without them, he may not be “up and running” when you’re in the mood.
000100
OEM software is the “vanilla” of robot love-making. If things are getting stale, try something open-source, or perhaps a third-party software.
000101
Tickle his hard drive’s ball bearings. If you hear several loud clicks, you’ve gone too far.
000110
His loading screen is fairly simple, but yours is tougher for him to figure out. Let him know your progress as he’s uploading.
000111
Before you try anything too kinky, make sure you have a password– something more creative than password, secret, 123456, or NO.
001000
Backups are sort of a taboo topic, but explore them with him. Who knows– he may end up enjoying it! (And it’s a good way to keep your data safe!)
001001
Regular maintenance and lubrication will make your robo-love-life run much more smoothly.
001010
Male-to-Female and Female-to-Male connections are standard, but don’t forget that there are adapters to allow Male-to-Male and Female-to-Female cable connections!
001011
If his power supply is run down, he may not perform as promised. Line conditioners can work wonders, and they come in a wide variety of beautiful scents!
001100
Always try to fix the simplest problem first. Far too many of us find ourselves at the end of our ropes, only to find that his extension cord was unplugged.
001101
Is his mind 100% with you during the intimate times? If not, you may need to uninstall SETI@Home.
001110
That being said, even if he is a machine, he still needs his time to hibernate. Power him down from time to time and enjoy an afternoon with friends!
001111
Even during heavy use, it’s likely he’s building up dust inside. A quick spritz of canned air across his heat sink and through his fans can be fun for both of you!
010000
In some cases, you may need to search his memory and delete any photographs he has stored of a previous owner. Don’t worry– it’ll be good for both of you in the long run.
010001
After a stressful week at work, let him defragment in peace. In a few hours he’ll be running faster than he has been in a while!
010010
Did he error out during initialization? Don’t worry. It’s probably just a glitch. It happens to lots of robots. Those aren’t tears– that’s error-juice.
010011
Did he do something you really liked? Ask for the seed and you’re guaranteed to get a repeat performance any time you want!
010100
On the flip-side of things, if you feel like he’s getting a little too mechanically precise, ask him to reseed his random-number generator.
010101
Does he cry and start talking about his motherboard in bed? Let him open up and hold him close, but not so close that you accidentally dislodge any of his RAM. He’s in a vulnerable state.
010110
If you feel like his mood is negatively impacting performance, take him out shopping for case mods! We can guarantee he won’t do this on his own, but your eye is best when deciding how he should look. And he’ll thank you!
010111
If you feel like he’s shouting at you, check to see if CAPS LOCK is on.
011000
When it doubt, take his cartridge out, blow in it a few times, and then put it back in.
011001
It’s easy to get stuck on his output, but remember that he needs input as well. I/O is a two-way street.
011010
Think about your feelings on multitasking before you’re in the bedroom. He may have the computing power to run multiple threads, but you may want to capture 100% of his load.
011011
He can have quad cores and still have one heart for you.
011100
Abort, Retry, or Fail? This is a tricky question. But if you’re dedicated to your relationship, you should always choose Retry.
011101
If you respect fidelity, it’s much wiser to control his loudness and softness with the volume knob than by modifying his files.
011110
Before you upgrade him, take a second look at any parts that could be salvaged and inserted into a new chassis. Imagine– you can put all that data the two of you have stored in to a much more powerful machine and not lose anything!
011111
Sometimes, thinking outside the bedroom is important too. Promise to say “Hello, world!” to each other every morning.
100000
Let him know just how Big Endian he really is. Seriously, this is important. If you read him as Little Endian, you’ll be starting over from square 000001.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
