45 LOL-Worthy Things Only 800-Year-Old Vampires Understand

Over the course of the last few months, I have had the privilege to have taken up correspondence with an upstanding young gentleman who currently resides in the northern reaches of Washington State, known to me simply by the initials R.H.

Most recently, he has confided in me, overthe course of several epistles, that his youthful visage is a mask for a much older soul. He claims to be one of the nosferatu, a vampire. Before he was turned, as he described, in 1247, he was born in was is now Belgrade in the Year of Our Lord 1214, exactly 800 years ago.

After he made this revelation to me, I implored him to detail how much our world has changed since he began his journey. The following is an abridged excerpt of his experience these last 800 years.

  1. 1259 — Just how useless the Treaty of Albeville was in improving future Anglo-Franco relations.

    albevil combo

  2. 1200-1450 — That the Danse Macabre was a great prank to pull on monks.


  3. 1308-1321 — How much Dante Alighieri hated people.


  4. 1309-1378 — That the French are so self-obsessed they moved the popes to Avignon.


  5. mid-1300s — That the Lollards were some of the first to buck the establishment in English.


  6. 1348-50 — That the beak masks worn by plague doctors could also make a great, impromptu marital aid.


  7. 1304-1374 — Just how awesome Petrarch was for starting the Renaissance.


  8. 1380s — Just how much of an egomaniac Geoffrey Chaucer was when he made himself the most important character in what he called his greatest work, like an olden-day M. Night Shyamalan.


  9. 1429-1431 — Just how sexy the Maid of Orléans was in all that platemail.

    Jeanne d'Arc

  10. 1434 — Just how dry Jan van Eyck’s sense of humor was.


  11. 1453 — That some people actually wanted to stay far away from Constantinople as possible.


  12. 1455 — No matter what hipsters say, Johannes Gutenberg was into fonts and typefaces before it was cool.


  13. 1456-1462 — That Vlad Tepes wasn’t really a vampire. He just had a small penis.


  14. 1492-1503 — That Christopher Columbus was just a huge douchebag.


  15. 1502-1533 — Just how much fail Catherine of Aragon had to put up with.


  16. 1504 — That Michelangelo had wanted to make “David” … bigger.


  17. 1517 — That the Sweating Sickness wasn’t the vomiting that occurs after watching a copy of a Richard Simmon’s workout.


  18. 1517 — That Martin Luther actually though a strongly-word letter to the Catholic Church would make them change their ways. They reportedly “took it under consideration.”


  19. 1518-1520 — That Hernán Cortés was the first one to voluntarily play the cleric while LARPing.


  20. 1520-1566 — Just how awesome Suleiman I’s hat collection was.

    Venetian Portrait of Ottoman Sultan Suleyman I

  21. 1529-1537 — That the Anglican Church was created because of sex.


  22. 1532 — That Machiavelli’s “The Prince” is a perfect example of what’s going to happen to Stephen Colbert’s “I am American, and so Can You” in a few centuries.

    colbert combo

  23. 1533-1584 — That Ivan IV Vasilyevich wasn’t really as terrible a ruler as some assume … sort of.


  24. 1556 — Georgius Agricola was the first to brag about his awesome pet rocks.


  25. 1558 — Queen Elizabeth proves that, as long as you follow your dreams and have powerful family members, you, too, can accomplish something as a virgin.


  26. 1577-1580 — Sir Francis Drake outdoes Magellan like a boss … a living boss.


  27. 1587-1610 — That Elizabeth Bathory had an amazing line of beauty products — for which many women died to have — until haters decided to hate.


  28. 1602 — That receiving inside trader information that the Dutch East India Company’s formation by a merger was the best piece of financial advice ever.


  29. 1602 — Just how right the Tokugawa Shogunate was about foreign influence and Big Tea.


  30. 1602 — That Roanoke, Virginia has THE BEST buffets! And they even let you carve your name into the décor!


  31. 1605 — That Guy Fawkes and his co-conspirators were horrible planners.


  32. 1609 — That the Bard of Avon would hit on anything with legs … even the undead.


  33. 1618 — Just how much Prague residents like throwing people out windows.


  34. 1619 — That the Dutch and English East India companies were a foreshadowing to Microsoft and Apple.


  35. 1637 — Just how much of a proponent René Descartes was of limited papacy.


  36. 1687 — Just how many times Isaac Newton had to be hit in the head with an apple to think gravity was a revolutionary concept.


  37. 1692-1693 — That you can have a lot of fun hypnotizing young girls in Massachusetts.


  38. 1729 — That Jonathon Swift was actually a masterful cookbook author.


  39. That is was the best idea ever to invent the Furry Fandom in Gévaudan, France.


  40. 1776 — Just how little Boston Tea Partiers, taking it to Big Tea, have in common with modern Tea Partiers.


  41. That is was not surprising to learn the Marquis de Sade had a large collection of plague masks.


  42. 1793-1794 — That the drinks never stopped flowing during la Terreur.


  43. 1840s — Just how many ways you could eat the Irish, up until the Great Potato Famine.


  44. 1845 — Just how much fun you can have toying with the Brontë sisters with the tortured hero routine.


  45. 1863-1869 — No matter how much changes, you’ll always be hungry 30 minutes after eating Chinese.





THOMAS ANTHONY THACHER is a professor of classics and administrative official at Yale and a high priest of Wadjet-Bast. While not deciphering ancient Greek, Latin, Egyptian and Coptic texts, he can be found at home, tending and breeding his Egyptian Mau cats.

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