45 LOL-Worthy Things Only 800-Year-Old Vampires Understand

Over the course of the last few months, I have had the privilege to have taken up correspondence with an upstanding young gentleman who currently resides in the northern reaches of Washington State, known to me simply by the initials R.H.

Most recently, he has confided in me, overthe course of several epistles, that his youthful visage is a mask for a much older soul. He claims to be one of the nosferatu, a vampire. Before he was turned, as he described, in 1247, he was born in was is now Belgrade in the Year of Our Lord 1214, exactly 800 years ago.

After he made this revelation to me, I implored him to detail how much our world has changed since he began his journey. The following is an abridged excerpt of his experience these last 800 years.

  1. 1259 — Just how useless the Treaty of Albeville was in improving future Anglo-Franco relations.

    albevil combo

  2. 1200-1450 — That the Danse Macabre was a great prank to pull on monks.

    Danse_macabre_by_Michael_Wolgemut

  3. 1308-1321 — How much Dante Alighieri hated people.

    Michelino_DanteAndHisPoem

  4. 1309-1378 — That the French are so self-obsessed they moved the popes to Avignon.

    Avignon,_Palais_des_Papes_by_JM_Rosier

  5. mid-1300s — That the Lollards were some of the first to buck the establishment in English.

    Wycliffe_John_Gospel

  6. 1348-50 — That the beak masks worn by plague doctors could also make a great, impromptu marital aid.

    Paul_Fürst,_Der_Doctor_Schnabel_von_Rom_(Holländer_version)

  7. 1304-1374 — Just how awesome Petrarch was for starting the Renaissance.

    Francesco_Petrarca00

  8. 1380s — Just how much of an egomaniac Geoffrey Chaucer was when he made himself the most important character in what he called his greatest work, like an olden-day M. Night Shyamalan.

    Chaucer_ellesmere

  9. 1429-1431 — Just how sexy the Maid of Orléans was in all that platemail.

    Jeanne d'Arc

  10. 1434 — Just how dry Jan van Eyck’s sense of humor was.

    Van_Eyck_-_Arnolfini_Portrait

  11. 1453 — That some people actually wanted to stay far away from Constantinople as possible.

    Constantinople_1453

  12. 1455 — No matter what hipsters say, Johannes Gutenberg was into fonts and typefaces before it was cool.

    Printer_in_1568-ce

  13. 1456-1462 — That Vlad Tepes wasn’t really a vampire. He just had a small penis.

    Impaled

  14. 1492-1503 — That Christopher Columbus was just a huge douchebag.

    Landing_of_Columbus_(2)

  15. 1502-1533 — Just how much fail Catherine of Aragon had to put up with.

    Anneboleyn2

  16. 1504 — That Michelangelo had wanted to make “David” … bigger.

    Michelangelo's_David

  17. 1517 — That the Sweating Sickness wasn’t the vomiting that occurs after watching a copy of a Richard Simmon’s workout.

    sweating

  18. 1517 — That Martin Luther actually though a strongly-word letter to the Catholic Church would make them change their ways. They reportedly “took it under consideration.”

    Luther

  19. 1518-1520 — That Hernán Cortés was the first one to voluntarily play the cleric while LARPing.

    Cortez_&_La_Malinche

  20. 1520-1566 — Just how awesome Suleiman I’s hat collection was.

    Venetian Portrait of Ottoman Sultan Suleyman I

  21. 1529-1537 — That the Anglican Church was created because of sex.

    Anneboleyn2

  22. 1532 — That Machiavelli’s “The Prince” is a perfect example of what’s going to happen to Stephen Colbert’s “I am American, and so Can You” in a few centuries.

    colbert combo

  23. 1533-1584 — That Ivan IV Vasilyevich wasn’t really as terrible a ruler as some assume … sort of.

    Ivan-Groznyi-Parsuna

  24. 1556 — Georgius Agricola was the first to brag about his awesome pet rocks.

    Georgius_Agricola

  25. 1558 — Queen Elizabeth proves that, as long as you follow your dreams and have powerful family members, you, too, can accomplish something as a virgin.

    Elizabeth_I_in_coronation_robes

  26. 1577-1580 — Sir Francis Drake outdoes Magellan like a boss … a living boss.

    Sir_Francis_Drake

  27. 1587-1610 — That Elizabeth Bathory had an amazing line of beauty products — for which many women died to have — until haters decided to hate.

    Elizabeth_Bathory_Portrait

  28. 1602 — That receiving inside trader information that the Dutch East India Company’s formation by a merger was the best piece of financial advice ever.

    Voc

  29. 1602 — Just how right the Tokugawa Shogunate was about foreign influence and Big Tea.

    Tokugawa_Ieyasu2

  30. 1602 — That Roanoke, Virginia has THE BEST buffets! And they even let you carve your name into the décor!

    Croatoan

  31. 1605 — That Guy Fawkes and his co-conspirators were horrible planners.

    Guy_fawkes_henry_perronet_briggs

  32. 1609 — That the Bard of Avon would hit on anything with legs … even the undead.

    Shakespeare

  33. 1618 — Just how much Prague residents like throwing people out windows.

    Defenestration-prague-1618

  34. 1619 — That the Dutch and English East India companies were a foreshadowing to Microsoft and Apple.

    Andries_Beeckman_-_The_Castle_of_Batavia

  35. 1637 — Just how much of a proponent René Descartes was of limited papacy.

    Frans_Hals_-_Portret_van_René_Descartes

  36. 1687 — Just how many times Isaac Newton had to be hit in the head with an apple to think gravity was a revolutionary concept.

    GodfreyKneller-IsaacNewton-1689

  37. 1692-1693 — That you can have a lot of fun hypnotizing young girls in Massachusetts.

    Matteson-witch

  38. 1729 — That Jonathon Swift was actually a masterful cookbook author.

    A_Modest_Proposal_1729_Cover

  39. That is was the best idea ever to invent the Furry Fandom in Gévaudan, France.

    Woman_&_La_Bete

  40. 1776 — Just how little Boston Tea Partiers, taking it to Big Tea, have in common with modern Tea Partiers.

    bostn_tea_29900_lg

  41. That is was not surprising to learn the Marquis de Sade had a large collection of plague masks.

    Marquis_de_Sade_portrait

  42. 1793-1794 — That the drinks never stopped flowing during la Terreur.

    Heads_on_pikes

  43. 1840s — Just how many ways you could eat the Irish, up until the Great Potato Famine.

    Irish_potato_famine_Bridget_O'Donnel

  44. 1845 — Just how much fun you can have toying with the Brontë sisters with the tortured hero routine.

    Painting_of_Brontë_sisters

  45. 1863-1869 — No matter how much changes, you’ll always be hungry 30 minutes after eating Chinese.

    Chinese_railroad_workers_sierra_nevada

 

 


thatcher

THOMAS ANTHONY THACHER is a professor of classics and administrative official at Yale and a high priest of Wadjet-Bast. While not deciphering ancient Greek, Latin, Egyptian and Coptic texts, he can be found at home, tending and breeding his Egyptian Mau cats.

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