Maybe your alien abductor has brought it up in conversation. Maybe you’ve been curious about it yourself, but too nervous to ask anyone. Never fear! We’ve decided to insert ourselves into the conversation surrounding probing to clear up some rumors and share some tips on what can be a scary (but ultimately fulfilling) procedure.
1. Probing is painful.
Not if you’re doing it right! The trick is going slowly. Very, very slowly. If it’s your first time being probed, have a partner that will allow you to lower yourself onto the probe at YOUR pace. This should feel very good, not painful.
Lube. Lube. Lube. Did I mention lube? If you are practicing “very safe” probing with an partner with whom you are wary of swapping interplanetary viruses, use KY or Astro-glide. If you are in a committed, safe relationship with your abductor, other lubrication such as grapeseed or olive oil (preferential) may be an option, but be wary: oil-based lubricants break down the protective barrier provided by prophylactics. That’s not a big deal if you’re just worried about keeping mechanical equipment clean, but could increase the risk of your partner laying eggs in your chest.
And never underestimate the power of manual stimulation for getting you “in the mood” to be probed. With the right amount of lubrication, patience, and time, there is nothing as enjoyable as having your “no-no hole” probed.
2. Probing is messy.
Okay, this one is kind of true. If your abductor is using a biological appendage such as a tentacle or ovipositor, they should wear a condom: bacteria exists in the large intestine and the rectum. It’s just easier to wear a raincoat than to explain to your xenodoctor why you have an Earth-based infection in your suction cups.
Clean yourself out first. It adds to the enjoyment if you don’t have to worry about accidents or residue. You can purchase specialized bulbs (if you want to practice this long term) at your local drug store. Sterilize the bulb with lots of hot (antibacterial) soapy water and alcohol like you would any medical instrument. That is plenty. It’s your bum. It’s used to bacteria.
Prep at least 2-4 hours before go time. You’ll thank me for this one. And afterwards, clean everything. And I mean everything. Make it a team effort and soap up together. Rinse. Repeat.
3. Probing is a sin against God and Man.
Entirely subjective. The standard religious objection to probing is found in Leviticus 18:22 (“Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination”). But who’s to say that your relationship with your abductor will fall within traditional gender binaries to begin with? Does their species have only two sexes? And does the prohibition apply to them, as they’re not technically members of mankind? How has Galactic Lord Xenu ruled on such matters in the past?
When done correctly (and consensually), probing can be a fun activity that can create a close bond between you and your alien abductor. In no time, you’ll be seeing stars!
MARY TOFT lives in Surrey, in southeastern England. She is a great lover of rabbits an an expert in probing questions.