Chemtrails are widely attested in literature. And, well, look up in the sky. They’re everywhere, like a tic-tac-toe grid hovering over us. Unlike normal contrails, chemtrails persist in the atmosphere because they are formed by a crystalline agent. We will discuss in this article some of the very real dangers that Big Airplane is trying to hide from us all. But we won’t stop there. Because Big Makeup is just as culpable, trying to hide some of the possible benefits of this double-edged sword.
Exposure: Pure Crystals
We’ll begin with the scariest form of chemtrail substance– the crystalline agent itself. Rather than being dispersed from tanks, chemtrails are caused by a geometric perturbation of high-altitude air from atoms and molecules found in Mother Nature.
Only a fool would be relieved.
Contact with large quantities of the crystalline agent can lead at first to sympathetic nervous system excitation, then muscle miscoordination, a paling and bluing of the skin, followed then by difficulty in speaking, sluggish thinking, and amnesia, and finally organ failure and death.
In some circles, recreational use of the crystalline agent has become popular, particularly in the Berkshires, Vermont, New Hampshire, and the Rocky Mountain states. Perhaps a cautionary tale is appropriate for thrill-seekers: in rural Washington state, an unstable batch of crystal killed 96 people, causing the abandonment of an entire town.
Exposure: Liquid Form
When the crystalline agent is melted down into molten chemtrail agent (MCA), risks are mitigated but not eliminated. Some advocate that infants are naturally attenuated to exposure, perhaps as evidence supporting the Aquatic Ape Hypothesis. Regardless to our ancestors’ behaviors, our instincts are unhelpful when surrounded by too high a quantity of MCA. Recreational use of MCA is prevalent on both coasts, and increasingly so in the heartland due to action by nefarious corporations. Indeed, MCA is found in far greater quantities on Planet Earth than during the last Ice Age, and exposure is the third leading cause of accidental death on the planet.
Anti-chemtrail activism is alive and well on the Internet— so much so that it may arouse suspicion. Why are so many voices condemning chemtrails, but none investigating their benefits? We suspect that many of these voices may be paid shills for Big Makeup.
Hear us out.
Big Makeup is dominated by a small number of international corporations, such as The L’Oréal, Procter & Gamble, Unilever, and Estée Lauder. In the United States alone, the cosmetics market was worth $42.8 billion in 2008. If the people of America knew of the benefits of MCA, cosmetics spending could easily drop to a fraction of its current rates. As always when there’s a cover-up, we have to ask: cui bono?
Are there risks to the use of MCA? Of course. But blades are dangerous, and we shave our legs (and more!) all the time. And when it comes to heels, the more dangerous, the better, right? When used safely and responsibly, MCA can indeed be a beauty aid.
- Full-body immersion in MCA helps to cleanse your pores and can relax tight muscles. Optional fragrance or frothing agents may be added to enhance the experience. To avoid breathing the agent in, consider the use of a pillow.
- If you don’t have time for a full immersion, allowing the product to run over your body from a suspended dispenser can be faster. This can also aid in respiratory health by exposing the nasal cavity and lungs to a third form of MCA (that we do not have the time to go into in depth).
- If you’re really in a hurry, splashing some MCA on your face (and perhaps your armpits) may supplement or act as a substitute for daily use, though experts debate the efficacy of this type of therapy.
- Oh, one last tip: some newbies are shocked to discover the body’s natural reaction to long-term exposure to MCA. We assure you that this is perfectly normal, and that your fingers and toes will return to normal within minutes.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.