Everybody loves a bad boy. Not officially, of course. Not out loud, not in front of Mama or the United Nations. But somewhere in his heart of hearts, even Ban Ki-Moon is a little turned on by those most roguish of nations. They’re just so bad, and it’s just… so good.
To be honest, Iran, you barely even made the list. You used to rock the suit-jacket-and-no-tie look, but you’ve gotten a little frumpy recently, if a little friendlier. Some of the over-the-top “Death to Israel” stuff feels almost like you’re phoning it in.
If this were a teen movie, you’d be the quarterback who takes over for the hero and sneers a lot. You’ve got a massive population and a proud history dating back thousands of years, which is enough to give you a real sense of national identity. You’re still getting our love.
Now granted, while your name-change from “Rhodesia” was a classic bad-boy move, you’ve kind of let yourself go over the years. But in terms of natural beauty, you’ve had it all along– from savannas to the mighty Zambezi River, to that beautiful waterfall. We can’t give you up.
Breaking up is hard to do. And starting in 1955, you did everything you could to hold on to South Sudan. She’s still got your last name, but as of 2011 she’s finally broken away and is living on her own, with her own problems. Now you’re depressed and sitting around all day smoking that Janjaweed.
It’s time to get back out on the market. You’re dangerous-as-hell, and we love countries like you. A word of advice, though– try dating outside your immediate neighborhood. Sure, it’d be easy to hook up with Egypt or Libya, but try widening your horizons.
Finally, a world-class cluster. As Marilyn Hacker once wrote, “Girls love a sick child or a healthy animal. / A man who’s both itches them like an incubus.” And boy howdy are you itching us something good. The way you shell your own citizens, just because you don’t give a fuck? The way you can’t keep your fingers out of Lebanon?
You be Tyler, we’ll be Marla. It just sounds fun. We’re not even turned off by your gas problem. You’re a level of crazy that blows way past it.
And now we’re in full-on bad boy territory. A state that represses its native ethnic populations and aggressively patrols its borders with paramilitary militias. The state’s legislature passed a bill allowing open discrimination against LGBT and other minorities based on sectarian religious belief, which was vetoed by a “democratically elected” leader.
Still, local warlords promulgate inter-ethnic strife in an arid wasteland awash in small arms and narco-terrorism. As madness spreads, the state’s prominent figurehead slips further into senility and madness. The Sunshine State is so hot that it burns, and it burns so good.
Like there was any competition. North Korea, why do we keep coming back to you? The breakup happened something like 65 years ago, but you keep calling our house calling us a “crafty prostitute,” a “bitch,” and sniping at the “venomous swish of our skirt” like we’re still dating. We are not still dating.
What [South Korean Prime Minister] Park did before Obama this time reminds one of an indiscreet girl who earnestly begs a gangster to beat someone or a capricious whore who asks her fancy man [pimp] to do harm to other person while providing sex to him.
We know you want to get back together. We know you love us and just want us to respect your philosophy of self-reliance that blossoms into an ardent love for the native place and the motherland.
In addition to screaming at us all the time, you’re running up a pretty big debt buying all those guns, and we’re worried your’re starving yourself. We want to take care of you. Is that a mothering instinct? Who knows, but we’re getting kind of turned on just thinking about it.
Can you say no to that smile? And look…
He’s so good with (carefully staged) children! See, there’s good in him after all. Oh, North Korea, take us back! Take us back!
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.