I have heard much of late from young associates of mine that the season has arrived during which they promenade through their scholarly institutions, dressed in rather formal attire, for their parents and other members of the community. However, I have also heard such distressing news about their ideal companions for these evenings of pomp. To wit, I have compiled a short list of those entities which young people should shun at this time of frivolity.
1. The Vampire
Let’s get the obvious one out first. Vampires have been very popular as the most-desired folkloric creature, thanks to more modern adaptations. However, Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer, all those others are full of “crap,” as it is said in the parlance of our times. These monsters aren’t handsome, nor do they wear copious amounts of glitter body spray. They’re nasty, pasty, and all hands and teeth once they get you alone. It’s better to let sleeping bats lie.
2. The Clurichaun
These little Irish fae are known for their inebriated natures. If you make the mistake of inviting one of the guys to your prom, sure, it will be fun as everybody gets “buzzed” from punch it will surely spike with a not-so-wee drop o’ the pure. However, in the least, you’ll have end up with a (deservedly) wicked hangover. More likely, you’ll end up expelled from such deviant behavior. But, should you change your mind, at least do so responsibly and collect everyone’s keys.
3. The Sasquatch
Some out there will think it’s a “cool” idea to take the monster with the biggest feet to the dance, but keep in mind that it will take forever for this cryptid to fix its hair right. Also, you know what they say about big feet: bad dancing.
4. The Popobawa
A sex-crazed beast might be the desire of some prom goers — especially those virgins who have a wager going on — but never trust a Popobawa. These little bum-rapists just can’t take no for an answer.
5. The Medusa
I would hope that this one would be obvious, but people have done more stupid things in the past. Yes, she was once gorgeous, but you won’t even get her down the Grand March before the whole night comes to a silent end.
6. The Centaur
Don’t trust what looks like the full package: someone who is ripped, is edgy and can double as a ride if the limousine you’ve rented with a group of friends falls through. These guys have been known to given into their bestial nature, especially after that Clurichaun someone brings along spikes the punch. From there, it all falls to pillaging and abducting you and your “BFF.”
7. The Oni
This is one of the rather stranger ones on the list, but they have been mentioned before. These brutes just don’t mix well in civilized company and are more likely to end the night in a violent outburst than a dinner at IHOP.
8. The Kitsune
This is another one that people seem so engrossed by when it comes to prom. I think it might have something to do with catgirls, but that’s beside the point. These little tricksters will play their part of adoring partner, at least until they rob you blind at the end of the night. Not to mention it might be a too obvious sign that you’re a “furry.”
9. The Incubus/Succubus
Here is another sex-obsessed monster to avoid. Yes, it sounds “cool” to have a dark, secret lover seduce you on prom night. But keep in mind that they will eventually kill you. It just isn’t worth it kids.
THOMAS ANTHONY THACHER is a professor of classics and administrative official at Yale and a high priest of Wadjet-Bast. While not deciphering ancient Greek, Latin, Egyptian and Coptic texts, he can be found at home, tending and breeding his Egyptian Mau cats.