In the 6600 years since being invented by the rogue scientist Yakub on the Isle of Patmos, white devils have had it rough. Not “rough” like in terms of slavery, colonialism, and the rape and pillage of our ancient societies, but like in terms of sunburn.
See, Yakub and his followers didn’t do the white race any favors when, over the course of nearly 600 years, he selectively grafted the melanin out of our skin by killing all dark-skinned infants born to his 59,999 subjects. Along with having an in-born lust to slaughter the pure black race, we also burn to a crisp under even moderate sunlight!
How can you protect your melanin-deprived skin from the punishment you so rightly deserve? Here are some tips.
Stay in the shade
Our barbaric ancestors lived naked in caves and ate raw meat, having been kicked out Mecca many years before. If you can, stay in the cave and avoid the wrath of the sun.
Cover your arms, legs, and head
We’re guessing someone you know can help you out with this.
Not only will it protect your eyes from harmful UV rays, but it will also prevent people from staring into those soulless pits.
Don’t risk it with that SPF 15 stuff. Better go all-out with zinc oxide cream. It is the one thing in the universe that is somehow whiter than you are, whitey.
Like seriously– you really, really white.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.