Sarah Palin and the Word Salad Diet

palin-wink

Love her or hate her, you’ve got to admit it– you can’t keep Sarah Palin down!  She’s full of fight and spunk (among other things), and she never misses a chance to pipe up with an opinion.  Don’t you wish you had that kind of energy?  In fact, just this past week she spoke at the NRA convention in Indianapolis:

Come on! Enemies who would utterly annihilate America!  They who’d obviously have information on plots, say to carry out jihad. Oh, but you can’t offend them, can’t make them feel uncomfortable — not even a smidgen. Well, if I were in charge, they would know that waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists.

Was it productive?  Was it helpful?  Was it offensive to a good portion of the world’s population?  Who knows.  But she said it, and it was chock full of attention-grabbing buzzwords.  We think we’ve figured out the secret to how she stays looking so good– the Word Salad Diet. 

palineating

Simply put, the Word Salad Diet consists of small bites of conservative goodness tossed wildly about into a bed of phrases, clauses and sentences.  Here’s how it works:

  • Eat whatever breakfast you want
  • Eat a light and fact-free lunch
  • Eat a normal-sized dinner
  • Intersperse the rest of your day with batshit, nonsensical gobbledygook when you feel the need or as the Spirit moves you.

It’s that easy!  Before long, you’ll be spitting out gems like this:

Also, what has emboldened enemies is that he with doubling of our debt since he’s been elected, putting us on a path towards bankruptcy, and then locking up pipelines and resources that will result in us being more reliant on foreign imports for energy, and then of course he, having left behind, his administration having left behind our brave men in Benghazi to be murdered, and then of course there’s Syria, where he promised to bomb Syria because in that civil war, Syria was going to bomb Syria, and then we never heard another word again about his threat to bomb in a foreign civil war, and then of course, most recently, Megyn, he, uh, using our military, those who would fight against our enemies. Our military. Our vets. Shutting down their memorials. And holding them hostage in terms of budget deals. Uh, threatening to withhold paychecks for our brave men and women.

palin-hotdog

What’s better, you don’t have to take time out of your busy schedule to inconvenience yourself by studying up on current events.  The Word Salad Diet works however and whenever you need it to.  Just come up with a list of things you care about (and that you know a good percentage of the electorate cares about), and you’re set.  Examples include:

  • flags
  • soldiers
  • fetuses
  • terrorism
  • family values
  • welfare queens
  • mama grizzlies
  • tax-and-spend Democrats
  • wimp Democrats
  • weak Democrats
  • paedophiles
  • guns
  • GUNS
  • GUNS!!!

Within no time, you’ll be looking and feeling better.

palin-icecream

What’s more, the Word Salad Diet isn’t just a way to take in filling (if meaningless) content– it’s also exercise!  When you listen to what other people have to say and try to formulate meaningful counterarguments, you’re just sitting around on your butt.  Your ears are not a muscle.  But running your mouth without thinking burns calories– especially if you gesticulate wildly while doing so!  Check out this example:

…the enemy of America’s economic freedom is this fundamental transformation of America the enemy of the enemy is my friend is any common sense conservative’s friend so we do have to consider a politician’s record truly what it is they intend to do to stop this fundamental transformation and this stripping away of our economic freedom and those who can’t stand strong to defend our republic to defend our constitution heck yeah they gotta be primaried otherwise we’re going down.

And this one:

The plan is to allow those things that had been proposed over many years to reform a health-care system in America that certainly does need more help so that there’s more competition, there’s less tort reform threat, there’s less trajectory of the cost increases, and those plans have been proposed over and over again. And what thwarts those plans? It’s the far left. It’s President Obama and his supporters who will not allow the Republicans to usher in free market, patient-centered, doctor-patient relationship links to reform health care.

Or, if reading words on a page isn’t so much your strong suit, here are some videos.  (If reading words on a page isn’t so much your strong suit, the Word Salad Diet is DEFINITELY for you!)

Are you tired of bashing your head against a wall and pulling out your hair listening to this kind of stuff?  Stop thinking and start talking.  Try the Word Salad Diet today, and before long you’ll have a totally legit and in no way faked bikini body like this!

palinbikini


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt.  His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

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4 thoughts on “Sarah Palin and the Word Salad Diet

  1. That bikini picture makes me want to gouge my own eyes out with a rusty stick. I’m not even sure how a stick can get rusty…but for this…I’d find a way.

    • And like… two possibilities for someone photoshopping that image. Either the person was being sort of opportunistically misogynistic and thinking that a bikini pic would undermine her credibility, or the person was a huuuuuuuge fan and ‘shopped it for… other… reasons.

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