While we’re always wary of the lamestream media, there have been a couple of great pieces over on Bustle and The Atlantic in the past week or so about the phenomenon of blue liquid in commercials for feminine hygiene products. Now to warn you, we’re going to have a real and matter-of-fact discussion of menstruation. Not everyone is comfortable with this.
Now as the Atlantic article points out, there has been a major media coverup of feminine hygiene products. Television ads weren’t even permitted until the 1980s, and the now-ubiquitous “blue liquid” ad only came out in 1997. As recently as 2010, Kotex was barred from using the word “vagina” in an ad on broadcast TV, and even the phrase “down there” was too much for them.
Is this somehow for our protection? We doubt it. And to get to the bottom of this, we will indeed go “down there” in search of the truth. First off, what the hell is this blue stuff?
If so, that fluid had better cure my acne, because Gus keeps telling me to “put some Windex on it.”
Possibly, though it seems a little more viscous than the fluid in the commercials. Using the word “viscous” in this context is kind of squicking me out, so we’re going to move on rapidly.
Quite a possibility, especially as Listerine was once actually suggested as an antibacterial douche. Yes, that zingy clean feeling you get when you use it as mouthwash? Just… gah. At least it was better than Lysol?
This was always our favorite flavor of Mister Misty, so the thought of it being used to test the absorbency of hygiene products actually feels more like a waste than anything else. That being said, maybe Tori Amos was trying to tell us something all along.
Now we’re going to start moving in a more sinister direction. Perhaps these are actually chemicals? I think we all remember doing this experiment in high school, and while experimenting in high school can be fun, it’s probably better to keep this away from the girly-parts.
A compound of iron and cyanide, Prussian blue was one of the first synthetic colors, used as a far cheaper substitute for ultramarine. Except that, well… it’s got cyanide in it. Even if “that time of the month” makes you feel like you want to die sometimes, cyanide probably isn’t the answer.
Or something more sinister?
We’ve saved possibly the most sinister option for last. The horseshoe crab, a living fossil that first evolved around 450 million years ago, is harvested in great quantities every year by Big Pharma to create any number of injections for medical use. And it’s got blue blood. It’s kind of cool, actually.
But why would they be testing feminine hygiene products using the blood of horseshoe crabs? We think there’s only one possible explanation.
Crabs aren’t mammals. They have no need for these types of products. But a genetically-engineered human-crab hybrid would. These recent commercials have been softening up the human population for the inevitable rise of a race that tastes not like fish but like crab, and talks like people.
This is the coverup. This is what they don’t want you to know.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.