Dear Cora: Letters for May 14, 2014

black heart

Dear Cora,

Hi! My name is Alicia and I am in 4th grade. I was playing M.A.S.H. with some of my friends, and I got Bradley Cooper and I are gonna have three babies. But we’re gonna live in a house made of poop! I am afraid Bradley is going to not want to be with me we are gonna smell bad. What should I do? Can I change the future?



Dear Alicia,

You can absolutely change the future! M.A.S.H. certainly seems like a definitive predictor, but I can assure you it’s not set in stone. Besides, could you even build a house out of poop? I don’t think it’s something you should be worried about.



black heart

Dear Cora,

There’s been a lot of discussion about gendered bathrooms recently, which I think is really important—the male/female binary doesn’t apply to everyone. But can we do something about having humans on all those signs? I myself identify as a Szlarrnaxx, a race of hermaphroditic fungi from the vicinity of Betelgeuse. C’mon, we’ve all got to relieve ourselves of waste products somewhere. I just want to do my business with dignity and move on!

Appropriate levels of valediction,
Iltxaczmitlczitlsquitl of Blarrrrrrn


Dear Iltxaczmitlczitlsquitl of Blarrrrrrn,

I completely understand your complaint. I don’t know that society is at a place where most people are ready to accept the existence of aliens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to make this change. Have you considered creating a petition to see if others–human or otherwise–think this is something we should do?

Good luck!


black heart

Dear Cora,

How likely are Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos tacos to actually drive one crazy? Just curious.



Dear N.,

I don’t think that there’s anything in them that is scientifically proven to drive one crazy, so I think you’re probably safe.




CORA L. V. SCOTT is an author and lecturer from upstate New York. Her interests include esoteric elocution and pantheistic spiritualism.

Have a question for Cora? You can e-mail her here.


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