Hi! My name is Alicia and I am in 4th grade. I was playing M.A.S.H. with some of my friends, and I got Bradley Cooper and I are gonna have three babies. But we’re gonna live in a house made of poop! I am afraid Bradley is going to not want to be with me we are gonna smell bad. What should I do? Can I change the future?
You can absolutely change the future! M.A.S.H. certainly seems like a definitive predictor, but I can assure you it’s not set in stone. Besides, could you even build a house out of poop? I don’t think it’s something you should be worried about.
There’s been a lot of discussion about gendered bathrooms recently, which I think is really important—the male/female binary doesn’t apply to everyone. But can we do something about having humans on all those signs? I myself identify as a Szlarrnaxx, a race of hermaphroditic fungi from the vicinity of Betelgeuse. C’mon, we’ve all got to relieve ourselves of waste products somewhere. I just want to do my business with dignity and move on!
Appropriate levels of valediction,
Iltxaczmitlczitlsquitl of Blarrrrrrn
Dear Iltxaczmitlczitlsquitl of Blarrrrrrn,
I completely understand your complaint. I don’t know that society is at a place where most people are ready to accept the existence of aliens, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to make this change. Have you considered creating a petition to see if others–human or otherwise–think this is something we should do?
How likely are Taco Bell’s Doritos Locos tacos to actually drive one crazy? Just curious.
I don’t think that there’s anything in them that is scientifically proven to drive one crazy, so I think you’re probably safe.
CORA L. V. SCOTT is an author and lecturer from upstate New York. Her interests include esoteric elocution and pantheistic spiritualism.
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