Public school. You know it’s a place full of bad influences: drugs, queers, evolution. And yet you are a hard-working parent doing your best to get by– home schooling is expensive even without factoring in your lost income! It’s just not a possibility for everyone. Because of that, we’ve put together a list of ten things you can do as a concerned parent to make sure your little love-sponge isn’t going to soak up all the horror that is public school.
1. Keep them up late at night.
Every moment they’re conscious at school is a moment in the “danger zone”! Consider letting them stay up a little later each evening before the school year starts so that they will be able to sleep through the first few hours of class every day.
2. Don’t feed them breakfast.
They may not enjoy this one as much as the last one, but you’re the kind of parent who is willing to do anything to protect your children. Students who eat breakfast score far higher on tests, which means that the floodgates for propaganda are wide open.
If your kids insist on eating something, make sure you feed them a high-sugar cereal that is sure to make them hyperactive for 45 minutes and then will allow them to crash until lunchtime.
3. Get them to school late.
You’ll have to develop a favored family strategy for this. Some people leave the headlights on so that the car is dead in the morning. Some prefer to allow their kids to make it halfway to the bus stop, then demand they come back and put on a coat, thus delaying their child’s Bataan-like march to the bus by valuable seconds. If you’ve been following tip #1, your children may invaluable allies in this, doing everything they can to try to get “just five more minutes” of sleep in their own beds.
4. Get them a cell phone.
Okay, so despite your best efforts, your child is now at school. There’s still one way you can keep their mind outside the classroom– get them a cell phone! With it you can check in at various parts of the day and make sure they’re the same bucket of joy you sent off in the morning. Modern “smart phones” also include music and texting features, allowing your child another defense against the torrent of horse-pucky streaming out of their teacher’s mouth.
5. Encourage talking to their peers.
While this one is made easier by texting, you and I grew up without cell phones, and we turned out okay. Encourage your children to talk while their teacher is giving a lesson. Not only does this help your child avoid that nefarious gobbledygook up on the chalkboard– your little angel may be able to save a classmate, too!
6. Enable them to pass notes in class.
Passing notes is a time-honored tradition in the classroom, and one we suggest your children continue. All they’ll need is a pencil and paper, though if they really want to stand out amongst their peers, you’ll want to teach them some cool ways to fold them. be careful, though– pencil and paper are also the tool of the enemy, so make sure your children know to conveniently “lose” their pencils before any major quiz or test.
7. Maximize distractions.
At some point, your child will find themselves cornered. It’s not something we as parents want to think about, but it happens. In these tough times, you’ve got to teach your child to be resourceful. Stare out the window. Count the holes in the ceiling tiles. The “rubber pencil” trick can be a good one to focus attention during long stretches of lecture or film. Practice together at home so that when the time comes, your child will know what to do.
8. Keep “homework” out of the home.
So your child has finally gotten home, and now they’re safe, right? Wrong. Teachers are feisty devils, and if you’re not careful you might find your eager little beaver bringing the madness they spread at school into the sanctuary that is your home. Do not allow this. Make sure to fill their after-school hours with other scheduled activities; if there’s no spare time, there’s no time for homework! If that sounds like a lot of effort to you, consider leaving the television on all evening. (Just watch out for Cosmos!)
As a last resort, man’s best friend becomes an invaluable ally– your family pet may be able to eat any homework that does slip through the cracks. Good boy!
9. Give them the “right” answers.
Reptilians rule the world. UFOs built the pyramids. The Earth is 6000 years old. Little boys in pink are trying to turn you gay. If your child has the right answers going into the classroom, they’re far less susceptible to falling for their teachers’ lies.
WARNING: This technique requires an intense amount of trust in your child. Teachers are highly skilled at trying to pry students out of their beliefs and filling their heads with new ideas. If your child is struggling, you may want to implement other techniques mentioned in this article before attempting this one. It’s a call only you as a parent can make.
10. Take on your local school board.
Teachers work for a principal, and principals work for a superintendant, but do you know who the school board works for? Us. And because of that, they are often the best route to pursue when getting objectionable material out of your child’s classroom. You don’t even have to have a majority opinion on your area– if you are loud enough and persistent enough, it is far easier for a school board to fire or reassign a troublesome teacher than it is to risk their reelection.
If your attempts speaking before the school board don’t produce results, try running a campaign of your own to become elected. People like a firebrand, and your devotion may put you in a position where you can determine what is right and appropriate not only for your own children, but also for those of every other child in that school system. And if you didn’t know you were right, you wouldn’t be this concerned about things, would you?
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.