Seven Hotties Ranked on the Bristol Scale

 1. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Type 1: Separate hard lumps, like nuts (hard to pass).

 

2. Channing Tatum

Type 2: Sausage-shaped, but lumpy.

 

3. Brad Pitt

Type 3: Like a sausage but with cracks on its surface.

 

4. Bradley Cooper

Type 4: Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft.

 

5. Justin Timberlake

Type 5: Soft blobs with clear cut edges (passed easily).

 

6. Patrick Dempsey

Type 6: Fluffy pieces with ragged edges, a mushy stool.

 

7. Nic Cage

Type 7: Watery, no solid pieces. Entirely liquid.  Full-on diarrhea. 

 

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ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt.  His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.