We’d like to share some information with our readership based on some recent leaks on our Facebook page. The cat is out of the proverbial bag, so to speak, so we might as well come clean. As Skeletor is Love put it so well…
Using the fear of Plan #8 as a tactic for getting more Facebook likes wasn’t a bad idea. But someone in our marketing department felt it would be okay to reveal some of the elements of our failed Plan #7. We will explain further, if only for transparency’s sake.
The plan had been to try to sneak a manticore inside the 2013 White House Correspondents Dinner. One of our agents, under trumped-up credentials, would sweet-talk his way into the room, while the other would carry the manticore in a bag of holding disguised as a rather tacky sequinned purse. After all, if Tareq and Michaele Salahi could do it, how hard could it be?
Once inside, our operative was to get the manticore nice and fighty by slipping it several shots of tequila and talking to it about the TARP bailout. Once sufficiently angry, we’d release him into the room, where he could fly about, peppering the audience and those up at the main table with tail spikes and rage over the ACORN scandal. What could possibly go wrong?
Well, it turns out that the only thing more dangerously unpredictable than a liquored-up manticore with conservative political views is tequila itself. Where we were expecting him to get piss drunk, he just got sort of sleepy and started singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” over and over to himself until– you guessed it– falling asleep himself.
Do you have any idea how expensive manticore rental is? All that work for what, listening to Conan O’Brien tell a few lame jokes? Don’t worry– the agents involved have been reprimanded and were forced to hold the manticore’s mane back the next morning while he was puking. Trust me, you do not want to deal with a hung over manticore any more than you do a fully sober one. As for the member of marketing, we’re reaching out for ideas as to a suitable punishment. We want to make an impact, but also make sure he’s still technically living.
Okay, so there you have it. Like us on Facebook if you haven’t already. If we can hit 100 likes, we promise not to implement Plan #8. At least for now.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.