20. I thought the weather was being controlled by HAARP, but that was just the angels singing your name.
19. Are you affiliated with the Illuminati? Because you light up my life.
18. Wanna know my favorite part of your body? The microchip implanted by the government.
17. The end isn’t the only thing that’s coming.
16. If I told you you’d been lied to your entire life, would you believe I’ve got a 12″ wang?
15. Don’t care if you’re a reptilian, ‘cause I’ve already got the herp.
14. The mark of this beast is a little bigger than just 6-6-6, if you know what I mean.
13. Let’s go underground together.
12. You’re so pretty that I don’t even believe you’re real. And I’ve written LITERATURE about it!
11. How about you, me, and her set up a “trilateral commission”?
10. If the shadow government’s radio waves could penetrate my tin foil hat, it would know that you’re always on my mind.
9. I’ll play a Libertarian and you can play the Fed.
8. Call me ET, ‘cause I would probe that all night long.
7. My cover is deep, but you can blow me any time.
6. Wanna take a ride on my perpetual motion machine?
5. You must be a magic bullet, because you shot me through the head and through the heart.
4. You haven’t seen *this* black helicopter yet.
3. I wanna see your secrets. No seriously, I wanna see them. Now.
2. I hereby declare myself to be a sovereign citizen of dat ass.
1. Just like 9/11, I’d like to do an inside job on YOU.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.