Review: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine”



Everybody knows that Nikola Tesla was brilliant.  (If you don’t, read all about him on The Oatmeal.  Do it!  Do it now!)

After the flop that was da Vinci’s “Hornithopter,” we thought we’d take a test drive of a work of true genius: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine.”  Now you may be saying to yourself, “Isn’t it a little weird to be sexualizing an invention of a man who himself was entirely celibate?”


Silly– this is America.  We can sexualize anything.

Besides, look at that moustache.  If you’re anything like two-thirds of the Internet, you’re already hot and bothered just looking at it.  Oh, you Serbian devil, you.


Okay, down to business.  The model we’re looking at is the 1935 pocket-sized oscillating edition, which is a healthy 7″ long and weighs about two pounds.  It starts off slow, but once it gets up to steam it produces quite an impressive vibration– very stimulating!

Perhaps a little… too stimulating?


Don’t believe what you hear on Mythbusters— this thing can be dangerous.  Once it gets up to speed, the power just keeps on growing with every oscillation.  I’m not sure about taking down a bridge or the Empire State Building, but if you’re not careful we could be talking some serious damageespecially if set to the resonant frequency of your pelvis.  Protect yourself– calculate your period!

There’s also a rumor that the device can have a “laxative effect” on some users.  I myself didn’t find that to be true, but it’s worth keeping in mind.  It’s also worth checking out my guide to safe probing if you want to be extra sure.

So… all in all?  I’d recommend this product.  While there are some dangers, they can be avoided with a basic knowledge of algebra and physics.  Try it out yourself!



MARY TOFT lives in Surrey, in southeastern England. She is a great lover of rabbits an an expert in probing questions.

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