Today, I wish to divulge two closely guarded secrets. The first of these is an obsession with the Netflix series “Orange is the New Black,” which was recommended to me by one of the lovely professors in the criminology department during a short-lived courtship last year. Secondly, I have been working with my esteemed editor, Professor Weishaupt, on a committee about how best we can keep you, dear readers, apprised of our machinations, one of which I am most lucky and please to present to you today– Project Sienna.
Project Sienna has, as of now, been rendered defunct by [REDACTED] improvements made by our cadre of [REDACTED]. Since it will no longer be used, therefore, we wanted to share it with you. It would have entailed– once we had entered the latter stages of our plans– the corralling of what we internally refer to as “plebians” in detention camps during a two-year-long re-education process.
Ergo, I have compiled the following list that outlines likely reactions you would have had if Project Sienna had come to fruition.
(Ed. Note: Illuminaughty Boutique retains all intellectual property rights to this plan. Copycat actions will be pursued to the fullest extend of the law. — A.W.)
1. As you enter the detention center on your first day.
2. As you flip out about someone threatening you.
3. As you mouth off to your fellow detainees after a fight.
4. As you topple a person trying to cow you into submission.
5. When you finally get something decent to eat after moving up the ranks in the center hierarchy.
6. When another bitch steps up to challenge you.
7. When you’ve finally snapped from the power trip and stress.
8. When you find out it’s time for you to go to the re-education department.
9. As you await transport to the re-education department.
10. When the re-education staff ask you why you love the Illuminati and if you are ready to lay down your life for the organization.
11. As the re-education begins to take hold.
12. When you exit the re-education program as an effective pawn in world domination.
THOMAS ANTHONY THACHER is a professor of classics and administrative official at Yale and a high priest of Wadjet-Bast. While not deciphering ancient Greek, Latin, Egyptian and Coptic texts, he can be found at home, tending and breeding his Egyptian Mau cats.