The banning of the subreddit /r/TheFappening has many of us wondering… what are they trying to hide? Is this a coverup? And if so, who benefits? Here are some of our pet theories that have been going around the Illuminaughty Boutique offices.
1. Jennifer Lawrence is the Sasquatch
I wonder if the carpet matches the… hmm. It’s pretty much all carpet, I guess. Must take a long time to shave!
2. Ariana Grande is Nessie
That cute top-knot thing she’s been doing? THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NECK AND HEAD.
3. McKayla Maroney is the Chupacabra
She is not having it– unless “it” is fresh goat blood.
4. Kate Upton is the Manananggal
Rumors are flying about that she might not only separate from her boyfriend Justin Verlander, but also that she might separate her torso from her legs and fly around terrorizing the locals.
5. Kaley Cuoco is the Mongolian Death Worm
We’d had our suspicions all along.
One final possibility…
EVERYONE IS A LIZARD. ERRBODY IN HOLLYWOOD IS A LIZARD. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. ALL OF THEM. EVERY ONE.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.