ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
It’s no secret that America’s schools are failing. If we were to guess how hard they’re failing on a scale of one to an endless romp in the desert with no end in sight that has already lasted as long as most students will spend in public schools, well… it’s way worse than that. So it’s time to look for an upgrade that can fly us on to victory– the F/A-18 Hornet. Let’s compare the Hornet to what we’re using now, shall we?
The choice is obvious. The F/A-18 Hornet is clearly the more powerful machine in all key metrics. To answer our critics, we will examine one additional metric: cost.
F/A-18 Hornet: $29 million (C and D models), $57 million (E and F models)
Wally Mankowitz: $56,500/year
Though there may be some who balk at the increased cost of the Hornet, let’s get a few things straight. First off, has the Hornet been failing our students for years without any sort of reprisal? We didn’t think so. Additionally,all money spent on the Hornet goes to creating good-paying American jobs. What does Wally Mankowitz create? Funding will likely be easier to get for the Hornet, especially if parts are manufactured in a congressman’s home district.
It’s time to make the right decision for the kids– the F/A-18 Hornet.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
The NSFW proposal deadline date for Fall 2014 is October 6, 2014. All future years thereafter, the proposal deadline date will be September 15. If September 15 falls on a holiday or weekend, the proposal deadline date will be the first business day that occurs after that.
Solicitation 69-666
Full Proposal Deadline Date: October 6, 2014
Full Proposal Deadline Date: September 15, 2015
September 15, Annually Thereafter
This funding partnership between the National Science Foundation of the World (NSFW) and the Noticeably Endowed Hunks (NEH) supports projects to develop and advance knowledge concerning an abundance of NSFW topics. Made urgent by the imminent death of roughly half of the approximately 7000 currently used perversions, this effort aims to exploit advances in information technology to build computational infrastructure for cataloguing the insane and the icky. The program supports projects that contribute to data management and archiving, and to the development of the next generation of incorrigible perverts. Funding can support sex work and other activities relevant to the digital recording, documenting, and archiving of endangered perversions, including the preparation of lubes, sex toys, sex samples, and databases. Funding will be available in the form of one- to three-year senior research grants as well as fellowships for up to twelve months and doctoral dissertation research improvement grants for up to 24 months.
This program provides educational opportunities for Undergraduate Students, Graduate Students, Postdoctoral Fellows, Werewolves, Wererats, Wereturtles, Vampires, Deep Ones, Elder Things, Crack Whores, Freemasons, Sasquatches, and members of the Bavarian Illuminati. Individuals interested in applying for funding should see the program guidelines above.
AUGUSTA – On Wednesday morning, in a show of solidarity with the Scottish people, Maine Governor Paul LePage announced to reporters outside the statehouse Maine’s own bid for independence. “It is with great pride that we can finally stick it to the tax-and-spend loonies in Washington, and this coming November, have the choice to leave the bloated carcass of the United States, forging our own road as a free and independent Maine,” said the Governor.
Upon news of the upcoming independence referendum, lifelong Maine residents—or “Mainers”—were hopeful and optimistic. “This ah road, ayuh, issah good road now, tha we’re on,” said fifth-generation lobsterman Burt Ames, of Rockport.
Other residents said they support the bid for independence, but are concerned about the long-term viability of such a plan. “Theah’s boun’ ta be a few roadblocks, along the way,” said lumberjack John Bunford of Rumford. “But ah, we got a lot o good folks with good hahts, so I think we can get theah from heah.”
When asked about his plans for the fledging nation, if the referendum passes on November 4, Governor LePage declared that overall, Maine would remain “pretty much the same it was, except one or two things, considering.” When pressed about foreign policy, LePage declined to comment about rumors swirling about a proposed invasion of the neighboring Canadian province of New Brunswick, with the alleged aims of both reforming the defunct Republic of Madawaska, and settling the border dispute over Machias Seal Island and North Rock once-and-for-all.
Is response to the Governor’s announcement, Portland, Maine Mayor Michael Brennan announced the city’s intentions to remain a part of the United States, as an exclave of Massachusetts to be named “North Boston.” This will be first time the two territories have spoken since their bitter breakup in 1821, as a result of the Missouri Compromise.
LAWRENCE JOSHUA CHAMBERLAIN is a proud Mainer. He is a fan of little round tops and being governor of Maine
A sweet taste of India!
Hot Medina!
From Russia with love!
STACKED in Bulgaria!
We’d like to get into this in Indonesia!
Good old American girls.
A golden shot from St. Petersburg!
CENTERFOLD: Sacre Coeur!
Holy wisdom, Batman!
A hottie from across the pond.
These domes rock!
Jesus!
Some action in the Vatican!
Хорошо!
Juicy Scotland!
At the end of the day, we loves us some domes!
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
The banning of the subreddit /r/TheFappening has many of us wondering… what are they trying to hide? Is this a coverup? And if so, who benefits? Here are some of our pet theories that have been going around the Illuminaughty Boutique offices.
I wonder if the carpet matches the… hmm. It’s pretty much all carpet, I guess. Must take a long time to shave!
That cute top-knot thing she’s been doing? THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NECK AND HEAD.
She is not having it– unless “it” is fresh goat blood.
Rumors are flying about that she might not only separate from her boyfriend Justin Verlander, but also that she might separate her torso from her legs and fly around terrorizing the locals.
We’d had our suspicions all along.
EVERYONE IS A LIZARD. ERRBODY IN HOLLYWOOD IS A LIZARD. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. ALL OF THEM. EVERY ONE.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
Dear Mr. Wales,
We at Illuminaughty Boutique would first like to thank you for over a decade of leadership of the forces of good on the Internet. Where would we be without Wikipedia? Our guess is quite a bit dumber, albeit perhaps a bit better rested. There’s no better time to read up on Tuvan throat-singing than 3:45 a.m. on a Wednesday.It is with that great esteem in mind that we write to you today.
We need you to save the Internet.
As you are likely already aware, a major breach of Apple’s iCloud has resulted in the violation of privacy of over 100 celebrities, including most notably Jennifer Lawrence. Whether this was perpetrated by the 4chan trolls or merely celebrated by them, we have to do something. Because this isn’t J-Law’s fault, and she shouldn’t be blamed for it.
It has been argued recently that when a monkey takes a selfie, it belongs to all of us, as a monkey is not a legal person and is therefore incapable of holding copyright. Other selfies would, by Geneva Copyright Convention, fall under the immediate copyright of the author of the work. But we believe that copyright is a shitty way to protect privacy, and that our culture has a bunch of problems with women that can’t be solved merely by quibbling over who has the rights to what.
Additionally, what constitutes fair use of a purloined selfie? The mind recoils.
What we need to do is work as a culture to decrease the stigma around nude photos. And this is where we believe that you are uniquely postured to make a difference. By releasing a set of nude selfies– even just one really good one, we’re not picky– into the public domain, you can show that a respected and intelligent person can also be awkwardly naked on camera, and it’s no big deal.
Information wants to be free (balling). We know we can count on you.
I beg to remain, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant,
Adam Weishaupt
Illuminaughty Boutique
P.S. If you wanted to team up with Lawrence Lessig and do like a tag-team bit, that’d be cool too. Just sayin’.
PEOPLE OF AMERICA, A SECOND FAPPENING IS UPON YOU. WE HAVE COME INTO POSSESSION OF NUDE SELFIES OF THE FOLLOWING PROMINENT INDIVIDUALS, WHICH WE WILL UNLEASH ONTO THE POPULACE IF OUR DEMANDS ARE NOT MET. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Alexander, Lamar
Atkinson, Rowan
Bachus, Spencer
Baier, Bret
Beck, Glenn
Beckel, Bob
Belzer, Richard
Biden, Joe
Bieber, Justin
Black, Jack
Blitzer, Wolf
Boehner, John
Bolton, John
Bolton, Michael
Boozman, John
Brownback, Sam
Buchanan, Pat
Burton, Dan
Buscemi, Steve
Busey, Gary
Bush, George H.W.
Butterfield, G.K.
Cain, Herman
Cardin, Ben
Carper, Tom
Carville, James
Cavuto, Neil
Chafee, Lincoln
Chambliss, Saxby
Cheney, Dick
Christie, Chris
Coats, Dan
Coble, Howard
Coltrane, Robbie
Coons, Chris
Crosby, David
Cross, David
Cuomo, Andrew
Curry, Tim
Dafoe, Willem
Daniels, Mitch
DeMint, Jim
Devito, Danny
Doocy, Steve
Franken, Al
Frelinghuysen, Rodney
Giamatti, Paul
Gleeson, Brendan
Gohmert, Louie
Gottfried, Gilbert
Graham, Lindsey
Grint, Rupert
Guzman, Luis
Hagee, John
Hannity, Sean
Hatch, Orrin
Inhofe, Jim
King, Angus
King, Peter
King, Steve
Koch, Charles
Koch, David
Krauthammer, Charles
Kristol, Bill
Limbaugh, Rush
Loaf, Meat
Lovitz, Jon
Macy, William H.
Malkovich, John
McCain, John
McConnell, Mitch
Moore, Michael
Myers, Mike
Nader, Ralph
Nash, Graham
Nolte, Nick
North, Oliver
Nugent, Ted
O’Briain, Dara
O’Reilly, Bill
Osment, Haley Joel
Osteen, Joel
Otter, Butch
Pence, Mike
Perot, H. Ross
Perry, Rick
Rangel, Charlie
Reid, Harry
Reilly, John C.
Richards, Keith
Rivera, Geraldo
Robertson, Pat
Rokita, Todd
Romney, Mitt
Ruppersberger, Dutch
Ryan, Paul
Sajak, Pat
Sanders, Bernie
Sanford, Mark
Schiff, Richard
Shawn, Wallace
Stills, Stephen
Stockman, Steve
Trump, Donald
Waits, Tom
Walken, Christopher
Walker, Scott
Waxman, Henry
Willard, Fred
Williams, Juan
Young, Neil
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
1.5 oz – $49.99
SPF 15
Hot on the heels of Undercover Colors, the nail polish that changes color when exposed to date rape drugs, students in the Chemical Engineering and Cosmetology departments at Miskatonic University have developed BATTERPROOF, a type of foundation that changes colors when it comes into contact with certain objects often used to assault women, such as fists, feet, chair legs, and rifle butts.
Simply apply BATTERPROOF as you would your normal foundation. You’ll barely know it’s there! Then, walk confidently into any situation you might encounter in your everyday life, where an attack could be lurking around any corner.
The team explains:
While assault and battery are often used to facilitate sexual assault, very little science exists for their detection. Our goal is to invent technologies that empower women to protect themselves from this heinous and quietly pervasive crime. With our makeup, any woman will be empowered to discreetly ensure her safety by simply taking a good, solid punch. If her skin changes color, she’ll know that something is wrong.
This groundbreaking technological advance will benefit women in the workplace, walking to and from their cars late at night, out at clubs– even at home! Soon, you too can know if you have been assaulted by a stranger, close acquaintance, family member, or spouse.
As for what to do with that knowledge… we’re still working on that. Get back to us.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
Illuminaughty Boutique 