10 Further Armenians

Sarkis Assadourian

Sarkis-Assadourian

Aracy Balabanian

Aracy-Balabanian

Eric Bogosian

eric-bogosian

Ken Davitian

Ken-Davitian

Atom Egoyan

Atom-Egoyan

Nazeni Hovhannisyan

Nazeni-Hovhannisyan

Nicolas Minassian

Nicolas-Minassian

David Nalbandian

David-Nalbandian

Alice Panikian

Alice-Panikian

Anita Sarkeesian

Anita-Sarkeesian

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are Fighter Aircraft the Way to Save Our Failing Schools?

FA-18-Hornet

It’s no secret that America’s schools are failing.  If we were to guess how hard they’re failing on a scale of one to an endless romp in the desert with no end in sight that has already lasted as long as most students will spend in public schools, well… it’s way worse than that.  So it’s time to look for an upgrade that can fly us on to victory– the F/A-18 Hornet.  Let’s compare the Hornet to what we’re using now, shall we?


 

FA-18-schematic

F/A-18 Hornet

Wingspan: 40 ft (12.3 m)

Height: 15 ft 4 in (4.7 m)

Maximum takeoff weight: 51,900 lb (23,500 kg)

Thrust with afterburner: 35,500 lbf (158.4 kN)

Maximum Speed: Mach 1.8 (1,190 mph, 1,915 km/h) at 40,000 ft (12,190 m)

Combat radius: 400 nmi (460 mi (740 km)) on air-air mission

Guns: 1× 20 mm (0.787 in) M61A1 Vulcan nose mounted 6-barreled Gatling cannon, 578 rounds

Air-to-air missiles:
4× AIM-9 Sidewinder or 4× AIM-132 ASRAAM or 4× IRIS-T or 4× AIM-120 AMRAAM and
2× AIM-7 Sparrow or 2× AIM-120 AMRAAM

 


 

band-teacher

7th-Grade Band Teacher, Wally Mankowitz

Wingspan: ≈ 5 ft, 6 in (1.7 m)

Height: 5 ft 6 in (1.7 m)

Maximum takeoff weight: 210 lb (95.3 kg)

Thrust with afterburner: 65 lbf (88.1 N)

Maximum Speed: 7 mph (11.3 km/h) at a good huff

Combat radius: lives across the street from the school

Guns: none; recently attended anti-gun-violence rally

Air-to-air missiles:
5 x chalk, mounted on that staff-drawing thingie

 


 

Verdict

The choice is obvious.  The F/A-18 Hornet is clearly the more powerful machine in all key metrics.  To answer our critics, we will examine one additional metric: cost.

F/A-18 Hornet: $29 million (C and D models), $57 million (E and F models)

Wally Mankowitz: $56,500/year

Though there may be some who balk at the increased cost of the Hornet, let’s get a few things straight.  First off, has the Hornet been failing our students for years without any sort of reprisal?  We didn’t think so.  Additionally,all money spent on the Hornet goes to creating good-paying American jobs.  What does Wally Mankowitz create?  Funding will likely be easier to get for the Hornet, especially if parts are manufactured in a congressman’s home district.

It’s time to make the right decision for the kids– the F/A-18 Hornet.

 

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

NSFW Research Grant Proposals Due October 6, 2014

nsfw foundation

 

NSFW Grant Proposal Due Date Clarification

The NSFW proposal deadline date for Fall 2014 is October 6, 2014. All future years thereafter, the proposal deadline date will be September 15. If September 15 falls on a holiday or weekend, the proposal deadline date will be the first business day that occurs after that.

 

PROGRAM GUIDELINES

Solicitation 69-666

 

DUE DATES

Full Proposal Deadline Date: October 6, 2014
Full Proposal Deadline Date: September 15, 2015
September 15, Annually Thereafter

 

SYNOPSIS

This funding partnership between the National Science Foundation of the World (NSFW) and the Noticeably Endowed Hunks (NEH) supports projects to develop and advance knowledge concerning an abundance of NSFW topics. Made urgent by the imminent death of roughly half of the approximately 7000 currently used perversions, this effort aims to exploit advances in information technology to build computational infrastructure for cataloguing the insane and the icky. The program supports projects that contribute to data management and archiving, and to the development of the next generation of incorrigible perverts. Funding can support sex work and other activities relevant to the digital recording, documenting, and archiving of endangered perversions, including the preparation of lubes, sex toys, sex samples, and databases. Funding will be available in the form of one- to three-year senior research grants as well as fellowships for up to twelve months and doctoral dissertation research improvement grants for up to 24 months.

 

EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITY

This program provides educational opportunities for Undergraduate Students, Graduate Students, Postdoctoral Fellows, Werewolves, Wererats, Wereturtles, Vampires, Deep Ones, Elder Things, Crack Whores, Freemasons, Sasquatches, and members of the Bavarian Illuminati. Individuals interested in applying for funding should see the program guidelines above.

BREAKING: Maine Secedes from New England!

maine independent

AUGUSTA – On Wednesday morning, in a show of solidarity with the Scottish people, Maine Governor Paul LePage announced to reporters outside the statehouse Maine’s own bid for independence. “It is with great pride that we can finally stick it to the tax-and-spend loonies in Washington, and this coming November, have the choice to leave the bloated carcass of the United States, forging our own road as a free and independent Maine,” said the Governor.

Upon news of the upcoming independence referendum, lifelong Maine residents—or “Mainers”—were hopeful and optimistic. “This ah road, ayuh, issah good road now, tha we’re on,” said fifth-generation lobsterman Burt Ames, of Rockport.

Other residents said they support the bid for independence, but are concerned about the long-term viability of such a plan. “Theah’s boun’ ta be a few roadblocks, along the way,” said lumberjack John Bunford of Rumford. “But ah, we got a lot o good folks with good hahts, so I think we can get theah from heah.”

When asked about his plans for the fledging nation, if the referendum passes on November 4, Governor LePage declared that overall, Maine would remain “pretty much the same it was, except one or two things, considering.” When pressed about foreign policy, LePage declined to comment about rumors swirling about a proposed invasion of the neighboring Canadian province of New Brunswick, with the alleged aims of both reforming the defunct Republic of Madawaska, and settling the border dispute over Machias Seal Island and North Rock once-and-for-all.

Is response to the Governor’s announcement, Portland, Maine Mayor Michael Brennan announced the city’s intentions to remain a part of the United States, as an exclave of Massachusetts to be named “North Boston.” This will be first time the two territories have spoken since their bitter breakup in 1821, as a result of the Missouri Compromise.

 


chamber

LAWRENCE JOSHUA CHAMBERLAIN is a proud Mainer.  He is a fan of little round tops and being governor of Maine

Sixteen Buildings with Nipples

dome9

A sweet taste of India! 

 

dome3

Hot Medina!

 

dome12

From Russia with love!

 

dome1

STACKED in Bulgaria!

 

dome6

We’d like to get into this in Indonesia!

 

dome2

Good old American girls.

 

dome8

A golden shot from St. Petersburg!

 

dome10

CENTERFOLD: Sacre Coeur!

 

dome4

Holy wisdom, Batman!

 

dome11

A hottie from across the pond.

 

dome7

These domes rock!

 

dome5

Jesus!

 

dome15

Some action in the Vatican!

 

dome13

Хорошо!

 

dome14

Juicy Scotland!

 

dome16

At the end of the day, we loves us some domes!

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Reddit has banned /r/TheFappening– WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE?

fappening-banned

The banning of the subreddit /r/TheFappening has many of us wondering… what are they trying to hide?  Is this a coverup?  And if so, who benefits?  Here are some of our pet theories that have been going around the Illuminaughty Boutique offices.

 

1. Jennifer Lawrence is the Sasquatch

j-law-sasquatch

I wonder if the carpet matches the… hmm.  It’s pretty much all carpet, I guess.  Must take a long time to shave!

 

2. Ariana Grande is Nessie

ariana-nessie

That cute top-knot thing she’s been doing?  THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NECK AND HEAD.

 

3. McKayla Maroney is the Chupacabra

maroney-chupacabra

She is not having it– unless “it” is fresh goat blood.

 

4. Kate Upton is the Manananggal

upton-manananggal

Rumors are flying about that she might not only separate from her boyfriend Justin Verlander, but also that she might separate her torso from her legs and fly around terrorizing the locals.

 

5. Kaley Cuoco is the Mongolian Death Worm

cuoco-mongolian-deathworm

We’d had our suspicions all along.

 

One final possibility…

errbody-is-lizards

EVERYONE IS A LIZARD.  ERRBODY IN HOLLYWOOD IS A LIZARD.  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.  ALL OF THEM.  EVERY ONE. 

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.