1.5 oz – $49.99
Could a cosmetic product save your life? Thanks to three college students, the answer is yes!
Hot on the heels of Undercover Colors, the nail polish that changes color when exposed to date rape drugs, students in the Chemical Engineering and Cosmetology departments at Miskatonic University have developed BATTERPROOF, a type of foundation that changes colors when it comes into contact with certain objects often used to assault women, such as fists, feet, chair legs, and rifle butts.
Simply apply BATTERPROOF as you would your normal foundation. You’ll barely know it’s there! Then, walk confidently into any situation you might encounter in your everyday life, where an attack could be lurking around any corner.
The team explains:
While assault and battery are often used to facilitate sexual assault, very little science exists for their detection. Our goal is to invent technologies that empower women to protect themselves from this heinous and quietly pervasive crime. With our makeup, any woman will be empowered to discreetly ensure her safety by simply taking a good, solid punch. If her skin changes color, she’ll know that something is wrong.
This groundbreaking technological advance will benefit women in the workplace, walking to and from their cars late at night, out at clubs– even at home! Soon, you too can know if you have been assaulted by a stranger, close acquaintance, family member, or spouse.
As for what to do with that knowledge… we’re still working on that. Get back to us.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
Everybody knows that Nikola Tesla was brilliant. (If you don’t, read all about him on The Oatmeal. Do it! Do it now!)
After the flop that was da Vinci’s “Hornithopter,” we thought we’d take a test drive of a work of true genius: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine.” Now you may be saying to yourself, “Isn’t it a little weird to be sexualizing an invention of a man who himself was entirely celibate?” Continue reading
Today I’ll be reviewing the Hornithopter, by da Vinci. And I’ll tell you up front, I wasn’t impressed. You were supposed to do two things, Hornithopter. Two things.
The Hornithopter is advertised as a combination personal transportation device and sex toy. Let’s examine the inherent contradiction there. Traveling is a public thing; sex is… well, I don’t mean to be a prude, but I like to be a little more discreet about those sorts of pleasures. So off the bat we’re looking at issues. Continue reading
I’m gonna start my review by asking– what the fuck was this shit? It was a punk band, but they had a violin? People were moshing, but they were waltzing? This pale-ass guy asks the audience permission if he can remove his tie? I’ve been strung out on heroin before. I’ve dealt with some pretty wicked shit in my day. I’ve spoken the cursed the name of Nyarlathotep twice before, and I’ve never seen shit like this. It was lunacy, and not the cool Continue reading
I don’t know about you, but after days and nights of stark raving madness brought on by a knowledge beyond man’s ken, I need some serious meds to sleep. We’re talking opiates, folks. And not just the opiate of the masses– hard drugs, administered to me by my manservant Chang Li. Continue reading