BATTERPROOF Makeup Lets You KNOW When You’ve Been Assaulted!

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1.5 oz  –  $49.99
SPF 15

Could a cosmetic product save your life?  Thanks to three college students, the answer is yes!

Hot on the heels of Undercover Colors, the nail polish that changes color when exposed to date rape drugs, students in the Chemical Engineering and Cosmetology departments at Miskatonic University have developed BATTERPROOF, a type of foundation that changes colors when it comes into contact with certain objects often used to assault women, such as fists, feet, chair legs, and rifle butts.

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Simply apply BATTERPROOF as you would your normal foundation.  You’ll barely know it’s there!  Then, walk confidently into any situation you might encounter in your everyday life, where an attack could be lurking around any corner.

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The team explains:

While assault and battery are often used to facilitate sexual assault, very little science exists for their detection. Our goal is to invent technologies that empower women to protect themselves from this heinous and quietly pervasive crime. With our makeup, any woman will be empowered to discreetly ensure her safety by simply taking a good, solid punch. If her skin changes color, she’ll know that something is wrong.

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This groundbreaking technological advance will benefit women in the workplace, walking to and from their cars late at night, out at clubs– even at home!  Soon, you too can know if you have been assaulted by a stranger, close acquaintance, family member, or spouse.

As for what to do with that knowledge…  we’re still working on that.  Get back to us.

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My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

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TeslaOscillator

$49.99

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hornithopter1

$1,399.95

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0411142156I’m gonna start my review by asking– what the fuck was this shit?  It was a punk band, but they had a violin?  People were moshing, but they were waltzing?  This pale-ass guy asks the audience permission if he can remove his tie?  I’ve been strung out on heroin before.  I’ve dealt with some pretty wicked shit in my day.  I’ve spoken the cursed the name of Nyarlathotep twice before, and I’ve never seen shit like this.  It was lunacy, and not the cool Continue reading