10 Further Armenians

Sarkis Assadourian

Sarkis-Assadourian

Aracy Balabanian

Aracy-Balabanian

Eric Bogosian

eric-bogosian

Ken Davitian

Ken-Davitian

Atom Egoyan

Atom-Egoyan

Nazeni Hovhannisyan

Nazeni-Hovhannisyan

Nicolas Minassian

Nicolas-Minassian

David Nalbandian

David-Nalbandian

Alice Panikian

Alice-Panikian

Anita Sarkeesian

Anita-Sarkeesian

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Are Fighter Aircraft the Way to Save Our Failing Schools?

FA-18-Hornet

It’s no secret that America’s schools are failing.  If we were to guess how hard they’re failing on a scale of one to an endless romp in the desert with no end in sight that has already lasted as long as most students will spend in public schools, well… it’s way worse than that.  So it’s time to look for an upgrade that can fly us on to victory– the F/A-18 Hornet.  Let’s compare the Hornet to what we’re using now, shall we?


 

FA-18-schematic

F/A-18 Hornet

Wingspan: 40 ft (12.3 m)

Height: 15 ft 4 in (4.7 m)

Maximum takeoff weight: 51,900 lb (23,500 kg)

Thrust with afterburner: 35,500 lbf (158.4 kN)

Maximum Speed: Mach 1.8 (1,190 mph, 1,915 km/h) at 40,000 ft (12,190 m)

Combat radius: 400 nmi (460 mi (740 km)) on air-air mission

Guns: 1× 20 mm (0.787 in) M61A1 Vulcan nose mounted 6-barreled Gatling cannon, 578 rounds

Air-to-air missiles:
4× AIM-9 Sidewinder or 4× AIM-132 ASRAAM or 4× IRIS-T or 4× AIM-120 AMRAAM and
2× AIM-7 Sparrow or 2× AIM-120 AMRAAM

 


 

band-teacher

7th-Grade Band Teacher, Wally Mankowitz

Wingspan: ≈ 5 ft, 6 in (1.7 m)

Height: 5 ft 6 in (1.7 m)

Maximum takeoff weight: 210 lb (95.3 kg)

Thrust with afterburner: 65 lbf (88.1 N)

Maximum Speed: 7 mph (11.3 km/h) at a good huff

Combat radius: lives across the street from the school

Guns: none; recently attended anti-gun-violence rally

Air-to-air missiles:
5 x chalk, mounted on that staff-drawing thingie

 


 

Verdict

The choice is obvious.  The F/A-18 Hornet is clearly the more powerful machine in all key metrics.  To answer our critics, we will examine one additional metric: cost.

F/A-18 Hornet: $29 million (C and D models), $57 million (E and F models)

Wally Mankowitz: $56,500/year

Though there may be some who balk at the increased cost of the Hornet, let’s get a few things straight.  First off, has the Hornet been failing our students for years without any sort of reprisal?  We didn’t think so.  Additionally,all money spent on the Hornet goes to creating good-paying American jobs.  What does Wally Mankowitz create?  Funding will likely be easier to get for the Hornet, especially if parts are manufactured in a congressman’s home district.

It’s time to make the right decision for the kids– the F/A-18 Hornet.

 

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Sixteen Buildings with Nipples

dome9

A sweet taste of India! 

 

dome3

Hot Medina!

 

dome12

From Russia with love!

 

dome1

STACKED in Bulgaria!

 

dome6

We’d like to get into this in Indonesia!

 

dome2

Good old American girls.

 

dome8

A golden shot from St. Petersburg!

 

dome10

CENTERFOLD: Sacre Coeur!

 

dome4

Holy wisdom, Batman!

 

dome11

A hottie from across the pond.

 

dome7

These domes rock!

 

dome5

Jesus!

 

dome15

Some action in the Vatican!

 

dome13

Хорошо!

 

dome14

Juicy Scotland!

 

dome16

At the end of the day, we loves us some domes!

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Reddit has banned /r/TheFappening– WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE?

fappening-banned

The banning of the subreddit /r/TheFappening has many of us wondering… what are they trying to hide?  Is this a coverup?  And if so, who benefits?  Here are some of our pet theories that have been going around the Illuminaughty Boutique offices.

 

1. Jennifer Lawrence is the Sasquatch

j-law-sasquatch

I wonder if the carpet matches the… hmm.  It’s pretty much all carpet, I guess.  Must take a long time to shave!

 

2. Ariana Grande is Nessie

ariana-nessie

That cute top-knot thing she’s been doing?  THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NECK AND HEAD.

 

3. McKayla Maroney is the Chupacabra

maroney-chupacabra

She is not having it– unless “it” is fresh goat blood.

 

4. Kate Upton is the Manananggal

upton-manananggal

Rumors are flying about that she might not only separate from her boyfriend Justin Verlander, but also that she might separate her torso from her legs and fly around terrorizing the locals.

 

5. Kaley Cuoco is the Mongolian Death Worm

cuoco-mongolian-deathworm

We’d had our suspicions all along.

 

One final possibility…

errbody-is-lizards

EVERYONE IS A LIZARD.  ERRBODY IN HOLLYWOOD IS A LIZARD.  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.  ALL OF THEM.  EVERY ONE. 

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

 

Jimmy Wales: Release Your Nude Selfies into the Public Domain!

jimmy-wales

Dear Mr. Wales,

We at Illuminaughty Boutique would first like to thank you for over a decade of leadership of the forces of good on the Internet.  Where would we be without Wikipedia?  Our guess is quite a bit dumber, albeit perhaps a bit better rested.  There’s no better time to read up on Tuvan throat-singing than 3:45 a.m. on a Wednesday.It is with that great esteem in mind that we write to you today.

We need you to save the Internet.

As you are likely already aware, a major breach of Apple’s iCloud has resulted in the violation of privacy of over 100 celebrities, including most notably Jennifer Lawrence.  Whether this was perpetrated by the 4chan trolls or merely celebrated by them, we have to do something.  Because this isn’t J-Law’s fault, and she shouldn’t be blamed for it.

monkey-selfie

It has been argued recently that when a monkey takes a selfie, it belongs to all of us, as a monkey is not a legal person and is therefore incapable of holding copyright.  Other selfies would, by Geneva Copyright Convention, fall under the immediate copyright of the author of the work.  But we believe that copyright is a shitty way to protect privacy, and that our culture has a bunch of problems with women that can’t be solved merely by quibbling over who has the rights to what.

Additionally, what constitutes fair use of a purloined selfie?  The mind recoils.

What we need to do is work as a culture to decrease the stigma around nude photos.  And this is where we believe that you are uniquely postured to make a difference.  By releasing a set of nude selfies– even just one really good one, we’re not picky– into the public domain, you can show that a respected and intelligent person can also be awkwardly naked on camera, and it’s no big deal.

Information wants to be free (balling).  We know we can count on you.

 

I beg to remain, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant,

My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

Adam Weishaupt
Illuminaughty Boutique

P.S. If you wanted to team up with Lawrence Lessig and do like a tag-team bit, that’d be cool too.  Just sayin’.

THE SECOND FAPPENING: A GRIM PORTENT

PEOPLE OF AMERICA, A SECOND FAPPENING IS UPON YOU.  WE HAVE COME INTO POSSESSION OF NUDE SELFIES OF THE FOLLOWING PROMINENT INDIVIDUALS, WHICH WE WILL UNLEASH ONTO THE POPULACE IF OUR DEMANDS ARE NOT MET.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Alexander, Lamar

Atkinson, Rowan

Bachus, Spencer

Baier, Bret

Beck, Glenn

Beckel, Bob

Belzer, Richard

Biden, Joe

Bieber, Justin

Black, Jack

Blitzer, Wolf

Boehner, John

Bolton, John

Bolton, Michael

Boozman, John

Brownback, Sam

Buchanan, Pat

Burton, Dan

Buscemi, Steve

Busey, Gary

Bush, George H.W.

Butterfield, G.K.

Cain, Herman

Cardin, Ben

Carper, Tom

Carville, James

Cavuto, Neil

Chafee, Lincoln

Chambliss, Saxby

Cheney, Dick

Christie, Chris

Coats, Dan

Coble, Howard

Coltrane, Robbie

Coons, Chris

Crosby, David

Cross, David

Cuomo, Andrew

Curry, Tim

Dafoe, Willem

Daniels, Mitch

DeMint, Jim

Devito, Danny

Doocy, Steve

Franken, Al

Frelinghuysen, Rodney

Giamatti, Paul

Gleeson, Brendan

Gohmert, Louie

Gottfried, Gilbert

Graham, Lindsey

Grint, Rupert

Guzman, Luis

Hagee, John

Hannity, Sean

Hatch, Orrin

Inhofe, Jim

King, Angus

King, Peter

King, Steve

Koch, Charles

Koch, David

Krauthammer, Charles

Kristol, Bill

Limbaugh, Rush

Loaf, Meat

Lovitz, Jon

Macy, William H.

Malkovich, John

McCain, John

McConnell, Mitch

Moore, Michael

Myers, Mike

Nader, Ralph

Nash, Graham

Nolte, Nick

North, Oliver

Nugent, Ted

O’Briain, Dara

O’Reilly, Bill

Osment, Haley Joel

Osteen, Joel

Otter, Butch

Pence, Mike

Perot, H. Ross

Perry, Rick

Rangel, Charlie

Reid, Harry

Reilly, John C.

Richards, Keith

Rivera, Geraldo

Robertson, Pat

Rokita, Todd

Romney, Mitt

Ruppersberger, Dutch

Ryan, Paul

Sajak, Pat

Sanders, Bernie

Sanford, Mark

Schiff, Richard

Shawn, Wallace

Stills, Stephen

Stockman, Steve

Trump, Donald

Waits, Tom

Walken, Christopher

Walker, Scott

Waxman, Henry

Willard, Fred

Williams, Juan

Young, Neil

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.