Review: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine”

$49.99

Everybody knows that Nikola Tesla was brilliant.  (If you don’t, read all about him on The Oatmeal.  Do it!  Do it now!)

After the flop that was da Vinci’s “Hornithopter,” we thought we’d take a test drive of a work of true genius: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine.”  Now you may be saying to yourself, “Isn’t it a little weird to be sexualizing an invention of a man who himself was entirely celibate?”

Review: The “Hornithopter,” by da Vinci

$1,399.95

Today I’ll be reviewing the Hornithopter, by da Vinci. And I’ll tell you up front, I wasn’t impressed.  You were supposed to do two things, Hornithopter.  Two things.

The Hornithopter is advertised as a combination personal transportation device and sex toy.  Let’s examine the inherent contradiction there.  Traveling is a public thing; sex is… well, I don’t mean to be a prude, but I like to be a little more discreet about those sorts of pleasures.  So off the bat we’re looking at issues.

Probing: Keeping It Safe, Keeping It Fun

Maybe your alien abductor has brought it up in conversation.  Maybe you’ve been curious about it yourself, but too nervous to ask anyone.  Never fear! We’ve decided to insert ourselves into the conversation surrounding probing to clear up some rumors and share some tips on what can be a scary (but ultimately fulfilling) procedure.