eFertility Profile: Epona

Personal Statement

My name is Epona, and I’m a horse nut :-). I raise several different varieties and train them for various equestrian competitions.

Age

Roughly 2,500. I’m the baby of my pantheon.

Twelve Hilarious Ways You Would React If We Would Have Implemented PROJECT SIENNA

Dear Readers,

Today, I wish to divulge two closely guarded secrets.  The first of these is an obsession with the Netflix series “Orange is the New Black,” which was recommended to me by one of the lovely professors in the criminology department during a short-lived courtship last year. Secondly, I have been working with my esteemed editor, Professor Weishaupt, on a committee about how best we can keep you, dear readers, apprised of our machinations, one of which I am most lucky and please to present to you today– Project Sienna.

Fifteen HILARIOUS Ways You’ll React to the Next Highly Addictive Drug Craze!

1. When your future dealer tricks you into taking your first hit.

 

2. As you try to avoid the cops while waiting on your dealer to get that next precious hit.

Seven Creepy Places To Visit This Summer

Dear readers,

Things have finally begun winding down here at the university following another year of studies. However, several of those younger students who have yet to taste what summers are like for real adults — i.e. having actual occupations during the summer — have been inquiring as to places they might explore while they are on sabbatical this summer. Here is a short listing of places I seem to recommend every year.

 

7. A Sarlacc’s Digestive System

This is a trip I usually reserve recommendation until a student has completed all doctoral degree requirements save his or her dissertation. It makes the perfect place to take in the sites and spend countless hours fretting over whether or not their paper is ready for defense.

eFertility Profile: Tangaroa

Personal Statement

What up. Tangaroa here. I’m addicted to surfin, tats and fishn.

Age

Fuck you, man.

Ten Entities Your Children Can Summon on Boring, Rainy Days

Dear readers,

I have been approached by some of my colleagues and temple adherents as to ways they can keep their children engaged on rainy days when outdoor activities are limited while also providing an effect introduction to the occult. Well, one of the easiest options is summoning rituals. Most only require things already possessed in most households: salt, candles, dark-magic grimoires and a little dash of blood. Most are also composed of simple chants easily ingrained through rote recitations before the rituals are attempted. The only truly difficult aspect is crafting the elaborate circles for a few of those listed below, but that will take up more time, build a sense of suspense and teach your progeny the importance of patience.

 

10. Ouija Board

This one would have ranked higher on the list, but it takes some forethought to have such a board on hand. However, if you do, it’s simple enough to make use of. Turn out the lights, ignite a candle and be prepared to have your questions answered.

eFertility Profile: Bastet

Personal Statement

Hi, I’m Bastet, but some of my followers call me The Lady of Fire or She of the Ointment Jar. I am looking for followers and priests who are into a wide variety of things, ranging from felines to perfume, from light to children. But don’t worry — I’m not baby crazy.

The Nine Creatures You Do NOT Want To Take to Prom!

I have heard much of late from young associates of mine that the season has arrived during which they promenade through their scholarly institutions, dressed in rather formal attire, for their parents and other members of the community. However, I have also heard such distressing news about their ideal companions for these evenings of pomp. To wit, I have compiled a short list of those entities which young people should shun at this time of frivolity.

 

1. The Vampire

Let’s get the obvious one out first. Vampires have been very popular as the most-desired folkloric creature, thanks to more modern adaptations. However, Anne Rice, Stephanie Meyer, all those others are full of “crap,” as it is said in the parlance of our times. These monsters aren’t handsome, nor do they wear copious amounts of glitter body spray. They’re nasty, pasty, and all hands and teeth once they get you alone. It’s better to let sleeping bats lie.

13 Adorable Elder Gods You’ll Want to Summon for Summer

13. Hatthulhu

This is the perfect summer accessory that really shows others why you are mumbling Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

45 LOL-Worthy Things Only 800-Year-Old Vampires Understand

Over the course of the last few months, I have had the privilege to have taken up correspondence with an upstanding young gentleman who currently resides in the northern reaches of Washington State, known to me simply by the initials R.H.

Most recently, he has confided in me, overthe course of several epistles, that his youthful visage is a mask for a much older soul. He claims to be one of the nosferatu, a vampire. Before he was turned, as he described, in 1247, he was born in was is now Belgrade in the Year of Our Lord 1214, exactly 800 years ago.

After he made this revelation to me, I implored him to detail how much our world has changed since he began his journey. The following is an abridged excerpt of his experience these last 800 years.