Jimmy Wales: Release Your Nude Selfies into the Public Domain!

jimmy-wales

Dear Mr. Wales,

We at Illuminaughty Boutique would first like to thank you for over a decade of leadership of the forces of good on the Internet.  Where would we be without Wikipedia?  Our guess is quite a bit dumber, albeit perhaps a bit better rested.  There’s no better time to read up on Tuvan throat-singing than 3:45 a.m. on a Wednesday.It is with that great esteem in mind that we write to you today.

We need you to save the Internet.

As you are likely already aware, a major breach of Apple’s iCloud has resulted in the violation of privacy of over 100 celebrities, including most notably Jennifer Lawrence.  Whether this was perpetrated by the 4chan trolls or merely celebrated by them, we have to do something.  Because this isn’t J-Law’s fault, and she shouldn’t be blamed for it.

monkey-selfie

It has been argued recently that when a monkey takes a selfie, it belongs to all of us, as a monkey is not a legal person and is therefore incapable of holding copyright.  Other selfies would, by Geneva Copyright Convention, fall under the immediate copyright of the author of the work.  But we believe that copyright is a shitty way to protect privacy, and that our culture has a bunch of problems with women that can’t be solved merely by quibbling over who has the rights to what.

Additionally, what constitutes fair use of a purloined selfie?  The mind recoils.

What we need to do is work as a culture to decrease the stigma around nude photos.  And this is where we believe that you are uniquely postured to make a difference.  By releasing a set of nude selfies– even just one really good one, we’re not picky– into the public domain, you can show that a respected and intelligent person can also be awkwardly naked on camera, and it’s no big deal.

Information wants to be free (balling).  We know we can count on you.

 

I beg to remain, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant,

My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

Adam Weishaupt
Illuminaughty Boutique

P.S. If you wanted to team up with Lawrence Lessig and do like a tag-team bit, that’d be cool too.  Just sayin’.

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THE SECOND FAPPENING: A GRIM PORTENT

PEOPLE OF AMERICA, A SECOND FAPPENING IS UPON YOU.  WE HAVE COME INTO POSSESSION OF NUDE SELFIES OF THE FOLLOWING PROMINENT INDIVIDUALS, WHICH WE WILL UNLEASH ONTO THE POPULACE IF OUR DEMANDS ARE NOT MET.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Alexander, Lamar

Atkinson, Rowan

Bachus, Spencer

Baier, Bret

Beck, Glenn

Beckel, Bob

Belzer, Richard

Biden, Joe

Bieber, Justin

Black, Jack

Blitzer, Wolf

Boehner, John

Bolton, John

Bolton, Michael

Boozman, John

Brownback, Sam

Buchanan, Pat

Burton, Dan

Buscemi, Steve

Busey, Gary

Bush, George H.W.

Butterfield, G.K.

Cain, Herman

Cardin, Ben

Carper, Tom

Carville, James

Cavuto, Neil

Chafee, Lincoln

Chambliss, Saxby

Cheney, Dick

Christie, Chris

Coats, Dan

Coble, Howard

Coltrane, Robbie

Coons, Chris

Crosby, David

Cross, David

Cuomo, Andrew

Curry, Tim

Dafoe, Willem

Daniels, Mitch

DeMint, Jim

Devito, Danny

Doocy, Steve

Franken, Al

Frelinghuysen, Rodney

Giamatti, Paul

Gleeson, Brendan

Gohmert, Louie

Gottfried, Gilbert

Graham, Lindsey

Grint, Rupert

Guzman, Luis

Hagee, John

Hannity, Sean

Hatch, Orrin

Inhofe, Jim

King, Angus

King, Peter

King, Steve

Koch, Charles

Koch, David

Krauthammer, Charles

Kristol, Bill

Limbaugh, Rush

Loaf, Meat

Lovitz, Jon

Macy, William H.

Malkovich, John

McCain, John

McConnell, Mitch

Moore, Michael

Myers, Mike

Nader, Ralph

Nash, Graham

Nolte, Nick

North, Oliver

Nugent, Ted

O’Briain, Dara

O’Reilly, Bill

Osment, Haley Joel

Osteen, Joel

Otter, Butch

Pence, Mike

Perot, H. Ross

Perry, Rick

Rangel, Charlie

Reid, Harry

Reilly, John C.

Richards, Keith

Rivera, Geraldo

Robertson, Pat

Rokita, Todd

Romney, Mitt

Ruppersberger, Dutch

Ryan, Paul

Sajak, Pat

Sanders, Bernie

Sanford, Mark

Schiff, Richard

Shawn, Wallace

Stills, Stephen

Stockman, Steve

Trump, Donald

Waits, Tom

Walken, Christopher

Walker, Scott

Waxman, Henry

Willard, Fred

Williams, Juan

Young, Neil

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

BATTERPROOF Makeup Lets You KNOW When You’ve Been Assaulted!

batter-proof1

1.5 oz  –  $49.99
SPF 15

Could a cosmetic product save your life?  Thanks to three college students, the answer is yes!

Hot on the heels of Undercover Colors, the nail polish that changes color when exposed to date rape drugs, students in the Chemical Engineering and Cosmetology departments at Miskatonic University have developed BATTERPROOF, a type of foundation that changes colors when it comes into contact with certain objects often used to assault women, such as fists, feet, chair legs, and rifle butts.

batter-proof3

Simply apply BATTERPROOF as you would your normal foundation.  You’ll barely know it’s there!  Then, walk confidently into any situation you might encounter in your everyday life, where an attack could be lurking around any corner.

batter-proof2

The team explains:

While assault and battery are often used to facilitate sexual assault, very little science exists for their detection. Our goal is to invent technologies that empower women to protect themselves from this heinous and quietly pervasive crime. With our makeup, any woman will be empowered to discreetly ensure her safety by simply taking a good, solid punch. If her skin changes color, she’ll know that something is wrong.

batter-proof4

This groundbreaking technological advance will benefit women in the workplace, walking to and from their cars late at night, out at clubs– even at home!  Soon, you too can know if you have been assaulted by a stranger, close acquaintance, family member, or spouse.

As for what to do with that knowledge…  we’re still working on that.  Get back to us.

batter-proof5

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Drunk Texting International, July 6, 2014

us-uk

United States to England

12:56 A.M. UTC−05:00

hey!

 

kiribati-australia

Kiribati to Australia

1:27 a.m. UTC+14:00

global warning gettin me so wet can i come over???

 

brazil-earth

Brazil, re: ALL

2:12 a.m. UTC−03:00

FUTEBOL PARTY AT MINHA CASA LOOK AT MY BALLZ LMÃO

 

russia-ukraine

Russia to Ukraine

2:36 a.m. UTC+04:00

am comin over better lev door unlocked comin in anyway baby 😉

 

us-uk

United States to England

2:39 a.m. UTC−05:00

hey, soo…

 

us-uk

United States to England

2:41 A.M. UTC−05:00

hey, you up

 

us-uk

United States to England

2:45 A.M. UTC−05:00

listen, about what i said 238 years ago, i’m sorry

 

china-south-korea

China to South Korea

3:01 a.m. UTC+08:00

sorry kim was a bitch tonite we can do lunch tomorrow ^___^

 

jordan-israel

Jordan to Israel

3:07 a.m. UTC+03:00

omg neighbors STILL throwin a rager  might need to sleep at your place but like just as friends

 

argentina-england

Argentina to England

3:16 a.m. UTC−03:00

keepin las malvinas u left em here

 

india-england

India to England

3:32 a.m. UTC+05:30

chai in the morning?

 

uk-earth

England, re: ALL

3:34 a.m. UTC±00:00

AM TRYING TO SLEEP BUGGER OFF

 

canada-uk

Canada to England

3:40 a.m. UTC−05:00

sorry

 

south-korea-china

South Korea to China

3:48 a.m. UTC+09:00

lol just got a new phone didn’t see you.  that sounds great! ^____^

 

azerbaijan-armenia

Azerbaijan to Armenia

4:31 a.m. UTC+04:00

grudgə fuck?

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt.  His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Eight Brazilians You Will NOT Believe!

four girls in bikini from behind posing on beachIt’s officially SUMMER!  And you know what that means… not only is it time to hit the BEACH, it’s time to do something about that tangled mass of corruption that you’ve been hiding for months.  In light of that, here are eight Brazilians that you will not believe, mainly because of their implication in the Escândalo do Mensalão (“big monthly payment” scandal) that nearly brought down the presidency of Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva in 2005.

Marcos Valério

marcos-valereio

 

Ramon Hollerbach

Ramon-Hollerbach

 

Cristiano Paz

cristiano-paz

 

Simone Vasconcelos

Simone-Vasconcelos

 

Roberto Jefferson

roberto_jefferson

 

José Dirceu

José-Dirceu

 

Delúbio Soares

delubio-soares

 

José Genoíno

jose-genonio

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt.  His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

The Terrible World of Panda Drug Addiction EXPOSED!

drug-panda-3

As adorable as it may seem at first, this is the face of addiction.  Panda addiction to zhu.

 

drug-panda-13

Pandas all over the world are getting hooked on zhu. And it’s a lifestyle that is is killing them.

 

drug-panda-11

Zhu is also known by the street names of big grass, bamboo, and Chinese wood.

 

drug-panda-5

Many claim that they are only social users of zhu, that they only do it for fun.

 

Giant panda in tree, Wolong Panda Reserve, Sichuan Province, China

Stories float around amongst members of the “in” community of zhu users about all the good times to be had under the influence.

 

drug-panda-6

But these stories never dip into the darker side of zhu.  What starts as fun can lead to a sixteen-hour-a-day habit.

 

drug-panda-2

After consuming zhu, many pandas become lethargic and lie around on the ground all day.

 

drug-panda-4

Others become disoriented and suffer from hallucinations and giggling fits.

 

drug-panda-8

Still others become irritable and easily angered.

 

drug-panda-10

As dangerous as these individuals can be under the influence…

 

drug-panda-12

…deprive them of zhu and they can become combative, even to the point of attacking law enforcement.

 

drug-panda-1Worse yet, long-term use can lead to a cycle of addiction.  Even children in the panda community become victims, and later train their own children to use zhu.

 

drug-panda-7It is important that we spread awareness of the dangers of zhu, both in the human and panda communities.  Prevention saves lives!

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt.  His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.