10 Further Armenians

Sarkis Assadourian


Aracy Balabanian


Eric Bogosian


Ken Davitian


Atom Egoyan


Nazeni Hovhannisyan


Nicolas Minassian


David Nalbandian


Alice Panikian


Anita Sarkeesian



My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.








Are Fighter Aircraft the Way to Save Our Failing Schools?


It’s no secret that America’s schools are failing.  If we were to guess how hard they’re failing on a scale of one to an endless romp in the desert with no end in sight that has already lasted as long as most students will spend in public schools, well… it’s way worse than that.  So it’s time to look for an upgrade that can fly us on to victory– the F/A-18 Hornet.  Let’s compare the Hornet to what we’re using now, shall we?



F/A-18 Hornet

Wingspan: 40 ft (12.3 m)

Height: 15 ft 4 in (4.7 m)

Maximum takeoff weight: 51,900 lb (23,500 kg)

Thrust with afterburner: 35,500 lbf (158.4 kN)

Maximum Speed: Mach 1.8 (1,190 mph, 1,915 km/h) at 40,000 ft (12,190 m)

Combat radius: 400 nmi (460 mi (740 km)) on air-air mission

Guns: 1× 20 mm (0.787 in) M61A1 Vulcan nose mounted 6-barreled Gatling cannon, 578 rounds

Air-to-air missiles:
4× AIM-9 Sidewinder or 4× AIM-132 ASRAAM or 4× IRIS-T or 4× AIM-120 AMRAAM and
2× AIM-7 Sparrow or 2× AIM-120 AMRAAM




7th-Grade Band Teacher, Wally Mankowitz

Wingspan: ≈ 5 ft, 6 in (1.7 m)

Height: 5 ft 6 in (1.7 m)

Maximum takeoff weight: 210 lb (95.3 kg)

Thrust with afterburner: 65 lbf (88.1 N)

Maximum Speed: 7 mph (11.3 km/h) at a good huff

Combat radius: lives across the street from the school

Guns: none; recently attended anti-gun-violence rally

Air-to-air missiles:
5 x chalk, mounted on that staff-drawing thingie




The choice is obvious.  The F/A-18 Hornet is clearly the more powerful machine in all key metrics.  To answer our critics, we will examine one additional metric: cost.

F/A-18 Hornet: $29 million (C and D models), $57 million (E and F models)

Wally Mankowitz: $56,500/year

Though there may be some who balk at the increased cost of the Hornet, let’s get a few things straight.  First off, has the Hornet been failing our students for years without any sort of reprisal?  We didn’t think so.  Additionally,all money spent on the Hornet goes to creating good-paying American jobs.  What does Wally Mankowitz create?  Funding will likely be easier to get for the Hornet, especially if parts are manufactured in a congressman’s home district.

It’s time to make the right decision for the kids– the F/A-18 Hornet.



My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

NSFW Research Grant Proposals Due October 6, 2014

nsfw foundation


NSFW Grant Proposal Due Date Clarification

The NSFW proposal deadline date for Fall 2014 is October 6, 2014. All future years thereafter, the proposal deadline date will be September 15. If September 15 falls on a holiday or weekend, the proposal deadline date will be the first business day that occurs after that.



Solicitation 69-666



Full Proposal Deadline Date: October 6, 2014
Full Proposal Deadline Date: September 15, 2015
September 15, Annually Thereafter



This funding partnership between the National Science Foundation of the World (NSFW) and the Noticeably Endowed Hunks (NEH) supports projects to develop and advance knowledge concerning an abundance of NSFW topics. Made urgent by the imminent death of roughly half of the approximately 7000 currently used perversions, this effort aims to exploit advances in information technology to build computational infrastructure for cataloguing the insane and the icky. The program supports projects that contribute to data management and archiving, and to the development of the next generation of incorrigible perverts. Funding can support sex work and other activities relevant to the digital recording, documenting, and archiving of endangered perversions, including the preparation of lubes, sex toys, sex samples, and databases. Funding will be available in the form of one- to three-year senior research grants as well as fellowships for up to twelve months and doctoral dissertation research improvement grants for up to 24 months.



This program provides educational opportunities for Undergraduate Students, Graduate Students, Postdoctoral Fellows, Werewolves, Wererats, Wereturtles, Vampires, Deep Ones, Elder Things, Crack Whores, Freemasons, Sasquatches, and members of the Bavarian Illuminati. Individuals interested in applying for funding should see the program guidelines above.

Sixteen Buildings with Nipples


A sweet taste of India! 



Hot Medina!



From Russia with love!



STACKED in Bulgaria!



We’d like to get into this in Indonesia!



Good old American girls.



A golden shot from St. Petersburg!



CENTERFOLD: Sacre Coeur!



Holy wisdom, Batman!



A hottie from across the pond.



These domes rock!






Some action in the Vatican!






Juicy Scotland!



At the end of the day, we loves us some domes!


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Reddit has banned /r/TheFappening– WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE?


The banning of the subreddit /r/TheFappening has many of us wondering… what are they trying to hide?  Is this a coverup?  And if so, who benefits?  Here are some of our pet theories that have been going around the Illuminaughty Boutique offices.


1. Jennifer Lawrence is the Sasquatch


I wonder if the carpet matches the… hmm.  It’s pretty much all carpet, I guess.  Must take a long time to shave!


2. Ariana Grande is Nessie


That cute top-knot thing she’s been doing?  THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NECK AND HEAD.


3. McKayla Maroney is the Chupacabra


She is not having it– unless “it” is fresh goat blood.


4. Kate Upton is the Manananggal


Rumors are flying about that she might not only separate from her boyfriend Justin Verlander, but also that she might separate her torso from her legs and fly around terrorizing the locals.


5. Kaley Cuoco is the Mongolian Death Worm


We’d had our suspicions all along.


One final possibility…




My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.


Jimmy Wales: Release Your Nude Selfies into the Public Domain!


Dear Mr. Wales,

We at Illuminaughty Boutique would first like to thank you for over a decade of leadership of the forces of good on the Internet.  Where would we be without Wikipedia?  Our guess is quite a bit dumber, albeit perhaps a bit better rested.  There’s no better time to read up on Tuvan throat-singing than 3:45 a.m. on a Wednesday.It is with that great esteem in mind that we write to you today.

We need you to save the Internet.

As you are likely already aware, a major breach of Apple’s iCloud has resulted in the violation of privacy of over 100 celebrities, including most notably Jennifer Lawrence.  Whether this was perpetrated by the 4chan trolls or merely celebrated by them, we have to do something.  Because this isn’t J-Law’s fault, and she shouldn’t be blamed for it.


It has been argued recently that when a monkey takes a selfie, it belongs to all of us, as a monkey is not a legal person and is therefore incapable of holding copyright.  Other selfies would, by Geneva Copyright Convention, fall under the immediate copyright of the author of the work.  But we believe that copyright is a shitty way to protect privacy, and that our culture has a bunch of problems with women that can’t be solved merely by quibbling over who has the rights to what.

Additionally, what constitutes fair use of a purloined selfie?  The mind recoils.

What we need to do is work as a culture to decrease the stigma around nude photos.  And this is where we believe that you are uniquely postured to make a difference.  By releasing a set of nude selfies– even just one really good one, we’re not picky– into the public domain, you can show that a respected and intelligent person can also be awkwardly naked on camera, and it’s no big deal.

Information wants to be free (balling).  We know we can count on you.


I beg to remain, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant,

My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

Adam Weishaupt
Illuminaughty Boutique

P.S. If you wanted to team up with Lawrence Lessig and do like a tag-team bit, that’d be cool too.  Just sayin’.