BATTERPROOF Makeup Lets You KNOW When You’ve Been Assaulted!


1.5 oz  –  $49.99
SPF 15

Could a cosmetic product save your life?  Thanks to three college students, the answer is yes!

Hot on the heels of Undercover Colors, the nail polish that changes color when exposed to date rape drugs, students in the Chemical Engineering and Cosmetology departments at Miskatonic University have developed BATTERPROOF, a type of foundation that changes colors when it comes into contact with certain objects often used to assault women, such as fists, feet, chair legs, and rifle butts.


Simply apply BATTERPROOF as you would your normal foundation.  You’ll barely know it’s there!  Then, walk confidently into any situation you might encounter in your everyday life, where an attack could be lurking around any corner.


The team explains:

While assault and battery are often used to facilitate sexual assault, very little science exists for their detection. Our goal is to invent technologies that empower women to protect themselves from this heinous and quietly pervasive crime. With our makeup, any woman will be empowered to discreetly ensure her safety by simply taking a good, solid punch. If her skin changes color, she’ll know that something is wrong.


This groundbreaking technological advance will benefit women in the workplace, walking to and from their cars late at night, out at clubs– even at home!  Soon, you too can know if you have been assaulted by a stranger, close acquaintance, family member, or spouse.

As for what to do with that knowledge…  we’re still working on that.  Get back to us.



My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.


eFertility Profile: Epona

eFertility epona masterhead

Personal Statement

My name is Epona, and I’m a horse nut :-). I raise several different varieties and train them for various equestrian competitions.


Roughly 2,500. I’m the baby of my pantheon. Continue reading

EXCERPT: Palpitating Hearts, by Olivia C. Dennis


He looked deeply into her eyes.  “Kiss me,” she said.

“I’ll go get a dental dam,” he said, and he threw her down onto the clean linen sheets.  They were cool against her cheek, and she could tell by the way they felt on her skin that they were high thread count– somewhere around 240.  Kenneth was all she had ever wanted, but could he be her destruction?  After all, the Ns in his name were in the middle, but they were not perfectly centered, a fact she noticed after having written his name 77 times on loose-leaf paper. Continue reading

Review: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine”



Everybody knows that Nikola Tesla was brilliant.  (If you don’t, read all about him on The Oatmeal.  Do it!  Do it now!)

After the flop that was da Vinci’s “Hornithopter,” we thought we’d take a test drive of a work of true genius: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine.”  Now you may be saying to yourself, “Isn’t it a little weird to be sexualizing an invention of a man who himself was entirely celibate?” Continue reading

Top 20 Pick-up Lines for Conspiracy Theorists


Special thanks to this blog post, this comic, and viewers like you.

20. I thought the weather was being controlled by HAARP, but that was just the angels singing your name.

19. Are you affiliated with the Illuminati?  Because you light up my life.

18. Wanna know my favorite part of your body? The microchip implanted by the government.

17. The end isn’t the only thing that’s coming. Continue reading