Reddit has banned /r/TheFappening– WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE?

The banning of the subreddit /r/TheFappening has many of us wondering… what are they trying to hide?  Is this a coverup?  And if so, who benefits?  Here are some of our pet theories that have been going around the Illuminaughty Boutique offices.

 

1. Jennifer Lawrence is the Sasquatch

I wonder if the carpet matches the… hmm.  It’s pretty much all carpet, I guess.  Must take a long time to shave!

 

2. Ariana Grande is Nessie

That cute top-knot thing she’s been doing?  THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NECK AND HEAD.

 

3. McKayla Maroney is the Chupacabra

She is not having it– unless “it” is fresh goat blood.

 

4. Kate Upton is the Manananggal

Rumors are flying about that she might not only separate from her boyfriend Justin Verlander, but also that she might separate her torso from her legs and fly around terrorizing the locals.

 

5. Kaley Cuoco is the Mongolian Death Worm

We’d had our suspicions all along.

 

One final possibility…

EVERYONE IS A LIZARD.  ERRBODY IN HOLLYWOOD IS A LIZARD.  EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM.  ALL OF THEM.  EVERY ONE. 

 

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ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

 

THE SECOND FAPPENING: A GRIM PORTENT

PEOPLE OF AMERICA, A SECOND FAPPENING IS UPON YOU.  WE HAVE COME INTO POSSESSION OF NUDE SELFIES OF THE FOLLOWING PROMINENT INDIVIDUALS, WHICH WE WILL UNLEASH ONTO THE POPULACE IF OUR DEMANDS ARE NOT MET.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

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Alexander, Lamar

Atkinson, Rowan

Bachus, Spencer

Baier, Bret

Beck, Glenn

Beckel, Bob

Belzer, Richard

Biden, Joe

Bieber, Justin

Black, Jack

Blitzer, Wolf

Boehner, John

Bolton, John

Bolton, Michael

Boozman, John

Brownback, Sam

Buchanan, Pat

Burton, Dan

Buscemi, Steve

Busey, Gary

Bush, George H.W.

Butterfield, G.K.

Cain, Herman

Cardin, Ben

Carper, Tom

Carville, James

Cavuto, Neil

Chafee, Lincoln

Chambliss, Saxby

Cheney, Dick

Christie, Chris

Coats, Dan

Coble, Howard

Coltrane, Robbie

Coons, Chris

Crosby, David

Cross, David

Cuomo, Andrew

Curry, Tim

Dafoe, Willem

Daniels, Mitch

DeMint, Jim

Devito, Danny

Doocy, Steve

Franken, Al

Frelinghuysen, Rodney

Giamatti, Paul

Gleeson, Brendan

Gohmert, Louie

Gottfried, Gilbert

Graham, Lindsey

Grint, Rupert

Guzman, Luis

Hagee, John

Hannity, Sean

Hatch, Orrin

Inhofe, Jim

King, Angus

King, Peter

King, Steve

Koch, Charles

Koch, David

Krauthammer, Charles

Kristol, Bill

Limbaugh, Rush

Loaf, Meat

Lovitz, Jon

Macy, William H.

Malkovich, John

McCain, John

McConnell, Mitch

Moore, Michael

Myers, Mike

Nader, Ralph

Nash, Graham

Nolte, Nick

North, Oliver

Nugent, Ted

O’Briain, Dara

O’Reilly, Bill

Osment, Haley Joel

Osteen, Joel

Otter, Butch

Pence, Mike

Perot, H. Ross

Perry, Rick

Rangel, Charlie

Reid, Harry

Reilly, John C.

Richards, Keith

Rivera, Geraldo

Robertson, Pat

Rokita, Todd

Romney, Mitt

Ruppersberger, Dutch

Ryan, Paul

Sajak, Pat

Sanders, Bernie

Sanford, Mark

Schiff, Richard

Shawn, Wallace

Stills, Stephen

Stockman, Steve

Trump, Donald

Waits, Tom

Walken, Christopher

Walker, Scott

Waxman, Henry

Willard, Fred

Williams, Juan

Young, Neil

 

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ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

If Orange Is the New Black, What Is the New Orange?

Have you binge-watched the second season of Orange Is the New Black yet?  (We haven’t had a chance to– don’t spoil it for us!)  If it’s anything like Season One, though, we know we’re going to love it.  And we have no idea how Piper is going to get out of that incident in the finale.

What we want to talk about today is a more wide-ranging problem introduced by the series title.  If orange is the new black, then… well… what is the new orange?

Rihanna and Seven Other Celebrities Who Are NEARLY-NUDE (If You Look with Your REAL EYES)

Chutzpah.  Gumption.  Moxy.  Whatever you wanna call it, Rihanna’s got it covered– and that’s about all she’s covering!  Everyone’s a-gaggle about the dress she wore to the CFDA Fashion Awards last night, and it’s no small wonder.  Just… look at her!

The “Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam” Drinking Game

Some call it the Turkish Star Wars.  Others call it the worst movie ever made.  Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam.  The film, written by and starring Cüneyt Arkın, will literally blow your mind, though the reasons for which are clearer upon viewing. In our experience, it is much easier (and more rewarding) to watch this film with the aid of alcohol, so we’ve come up with a drinking game– play along at home!

Readership Report, May 2014

A quick update on our outreach efforts and readership as of May 2014:

Top Five Countries of Readership

1. United States
2. United Kingdom
3. Canada
4. Netherlands
5. Germany

Plan #7: Successes, Failures, and the Way Forward

We’d like to share some information with our readership based on some recent leaks on our Facebook page.  The cat is out of the proverbial bag, so to speak, so we might as well come clean.  As Skeletor is Love put it so well…

Introducing: Cthulu, Our New Streaming Video Service

We’d like to take this opportunity to introduce you to the dark, dark future of streaming video– Cthulu!  Are you tired of looking up your favorite shows, only to find a site that once played them for you for free is asking you information about your cable provider?  That sucks!  CTHULU is the solution to your problems.

Seven Hotties Ranked on the Bristol Scale

 1. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Type 1: Separate hard lumps, like nuts (hard to pass).

 

2. Channing Tatum

Type 2: Sausage-shaped, but lumpy.

 

Who Run the World? Kanye vs. Conway

In our second installment of “Who Run the World?” we take a look at the world of music.  Two popular musicians, born and raised in the American South, each with a stint in R&B, go head to head: Conway Twitty (né Harold Lloyd Jenkins) and Kanye West (né Kanye Omari West).