Are Fighter Aircraft the Way to Save Our Failing Schools?

FA-18-Hornet

It’s no secret that America’s schools are failing.  If we were to guess how hard they’re failing on a scale of one to an endless romp in the desert with no end in sight that has already lasted as long as most students will spend in public schools, well… it’s way worse than that.  So it’s time to look for an upgrade that can fly us on to victory– the F/A-18 Hornet.  Let’s compare the Hornet to what we’re using now, shall we?


 

FA-18-schematic

F/A-18 Hornet

Wingspan: 40 ft (12.3 m)

Height: 15 ft 4 in (4.7 m)

Maximum takeoff weight: 51,900 lb (23,500 kg)

Thrust with afterburner: 35,500 lbf (158.4 kN)

Maximum Speed: Mach 1.8 (1,190 mph, 1,915 km/h) at 40,000 ft (12,190 m)

Combat radius: 400 nmi (460 mi (740 km)) on air-air mission

Guns: 1× 20 mm (0.787 in) M61A1 Vulcan nose mounted 6-barreled Gatling cannon, 578 rounds

Air-to-air missiles:
4× AIM-9 Sidewinder or 4× AIM-132 ASRAAM or 4× IRIS-T or 4× AIM-120 AMRAAM and
2× AIM-7 Sparrow or 2× AIM-120 AMRAAM

 


 

band-teacher

7th-Grade Band Teacher, Wally Mankowitz

Wingspan: ≈ 5 ft, 6 in (1.7 m)

Height: 5 ft 6 in (1.7 m)

Maximum takeoff weight: 210 lb (95.3 kg)

Thrust with afterburner: 65 lbf (88.1 N)

Maximum Speed: 7 mph (11.3 km/h) at a good huff

Combat radius: lives across the street from the school

Guns: none; recently attended anti-gun-violence rally

Air-to-air missiles:
5 x chalk, mounted on that staff-drawing thingie

 


 

Verdict

The choice is obvious.  The F/A-18 Hornet is clearly the more powerful machine in all key metrics.  To answer our critics, we will examine one additional metric: cost.

F/A-18 Hornet: $29 million (C and D models), $57 million (E and F models)

Wally Mankowitz: $56,500/year

Though there may be some who balk at the increased cost of the Hornet, let’s get a few things straight.  First off, has the Hornet been failing our students for years without any sort of reprisal?  We didn’t think so.  Additionally,all money spent on the Hornet goes to creating good-paying American jobs.  What does Wally Mankowitz create?  Funding will likely be easier to get for the Hornet, especially if parts are manufactured in a congressman’s home district.

It’s time to make the right decision for the kids– the F/A-18 Hornet.

 

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

THE SECOND FAPPENING: A GRIM PORTENT

PEOPLE OF AMERICA, A SECOND FAPPENING IS UPON YOU.  WE HAVE COME INTO POSSESSION OF NUDE SELFIES OF THE FOLLOWING PROMINENT INDIVIDUALS, WHICH WE WILL UNLEASH ONTO THE POPULACE IF OUR DEMANDS ARE NOT MET.  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.


Alexander, Lamar

Atkinson, Rowan

Bachus, Spencer

Baier, Bret

Beck, Glenn

Beckel, Bob

Belzer, Richard

Biden, Joe

Bieber, Justin

Black, Jack

Blitzer, Wolf

Boehner, John

Bolton, John

Bolton, Michael

Boozman, John

Brownback, Sam

Buchanan, Pat

Burton, Dan

Buscemi, Steve

Busey, Gary

Bush, George H.W.

Butterfield, G.K.

Cain, Herman

Cardin, Ben

Carper, Tom

Carville, James

Cavuto, Neil

Chafee, Lincoln

Chambliss, Saxby

Cheney, Dick

Christie, Chris

Coats, Dan

Coble, Howard

Coltrane, Robbie

Coons, Chris

Crosby, David

Cross, David

Cuomo, Andrew

Curry, Tim

Dafoe, Willem

Daniels, Mitch

DeMint, Jim

Devito, Danny

Doocy, Steve

Franken, Al

Frelinghuysen, Rodney

Giamatti, Paul

Gleeson, Brendan

Gohmert, Louie

Gottfried, Gilbert

Graham, Lindsey

Grint, Rupert

Guzman, Luis

Hagee, John

Hannity, Sean

Hatch, Orrin

Inhofe, Jim

King, Angus

King, Peter

King, Steve

Koch, Charles

Koch, David

Krauthammer, Charles

Kristol, Bill

Limbaugh, Rush

Loaf, Meat

Lovitz, Jon

Macy, William H.

Malkovich, John

McCain, John

McConnell, Mitch

Moore, Michael

Myers, Mike

Nader, Ralph

Nash, Graham

Nolte, Nick

North, Oliver

Nugent, Ted

O’Briain, Dara

O’Reilly, Bill

Osment, Haley Joel

Osteen, Joel

Otter, Butch

Pence, Mike

Perot, H. Ross

Perry, Rick

Rangel, Charlie

Reid, Harry

Reilly, John C.

Richards, Keith

Rivera, Geraldo

Robertson, Pat

Rokita, Todd

Romney, Mitt

Ruppersberger, Dutch

Ryan, Paul

Sajak, Pat

Sanders, Bernie

Sanford, Mark

Schiff, Richard

Shawn, Wallace

Stills, Stephen

Stockman, Steve

Trump, Donald

Waits, Tom

Walken, Christopher

Walker, Scott

Waxman, Henry

Willard, Fred

Williams, Juan

Young, Neil

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Who Run the World? Psy + Snoop Dog’s “Hangover” vs. A Drug-Addled Panda

psy-v-panda

In this installment of “Who Run the World?” we’re looking at two trends that are rocking the globe: K-Pop and recreational drugs.

“Hangover”

Two of the world’s biggest stars, together at last

 

psy-hangover-shots

That scene with the shot-glass domino effect was bitchin’

 

psy-hangover-skipping

We cannot imagine a more fun time in the world than skipping through an amusement park with Psy and Snoop

 

Drug-Addled Pandas

Lie around sleeping all day

 

Prone to flying into berserk rage

 

red-panda

Looked down upon by their closest relatives

 

Winner: Drug-Addled Pandas

Surprised?  We’re looking at a few angles on this one.  First off, “Hangover” was a great song, but it’s not nearly as catchy as “Gangnam Style” or “Gentleman,” and we think that’s because so little of it is actually in Korean.  If we want to listen to K-Pop, we want to listen to a language that most of us (except for our friends Myeongyun and Hyun Jin) can’t understand.

But there’s a more serious issue at work.  Think about how addictive drugs are.  And think about how addictive pandas are.  If you don’t know how addictive pandas are, take a look at the Panda Cam for a few days straight.  Now mix the two and see if you don’t find a way to bring society to its knees.

 


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt.  His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Beards: The Sexy Face of Face-Sex

beard-rj1

Unless you live under a rock, chances are you’re aware of who Hall and Oates are and have probably heard at least ONE of their songs. But here’s something you might not know: John Oates was nothing more than a mustache who played guitar while Daryl Hall was in front of the stage absolutely KILLING IT!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to take anything away from him because he wrote or co-wrote a good chunk of the H&O repertoire. However, what’s he done lately?!?!?! Huh?!?!?! Yeah, that’s right: NOTHING! John Oates hasn’t done shit since 1989 when he shaved off one of the top-five mustaches of all time. (For the record, Freddie Mercury had the greatest mustache of all time.)

Top Five Mustaches

  1. Freddie Mercury
  2. Tom Selleck
  3. Burt Reynolds
  4. Alex Trebek
  5. John Oates

Argue me, I dare you.

John Oates was swimming in so much soft-rock, easy-listening pussy that he felt like he needed to shave the ‘stache because he just couldn’t take it anymore. Can you imagine having SO MUCH PUSSY that you have to shave your ‘stache to calm it down?!?! Man, that’s a problem I’d like to have…well, if I could grow a mustache. Seriously, I’ve seen girls who have better mustaches than I do.

beard-rj2

Daryl Hall took a page from Oates’ playbook and is now sporting a beard because CHICKS DIG BEARDS!!! Trust me, just ask any of the Ladies of Twitter, they’ll let you know.

Hall has his show, “Live from Daryl’s House” and it’s a great show. He brings in guests to jam and they stream it live as well as record it for playback. In addition to jamming with all of the amazing celebrity-guests, his wife us SMOKING! For real, she’s damn sure a M.I.L.F!

So, what I’m trying to say is this: grow your mustache, or even your beard. It’s certainly working for Billy Gibbons.

beard-rj3

 


Robert_Johnson

ROBERT JOHNSON is a singer/songwriter from Hazlehurst, Mississippi.  His interests include liquor, women, and a proclivity for loitering around the crossroads in the dead of night.

Cut the Shit and Listen to Some Good Shit For Once!

one-direction-poo

Any person worth half their salt doesn’t listen to shitty music; at least not from their perspective. However, to others, some of it is SHIT!!! My point is that there is some really shitty music out there.

One Direction is the latest in a thousand-mile long list of boy bands. The Beatles were a boy band too…BUT THEY PLAYED THEIR OWN GEAR! The problem I have with One Direction is that they’re doing everything they can to control our minds. From the Pepsi commercials they’ve done to all of the ridiculous fan gear. UGH!

Don’t get me wrong, I own my fair share of band shirts, but it’s not like I’ve bought Led Zeppelin pencils and erasers or a Cat Stevens-sponsored burqa for my non-Muslim wife. I’ve seen my fair share of concerts and bought a fair share of concert t-shirts because I listen to a shit-ton of music. My mp3nis is HUGE! (ask your mother, she knows) Seriously, I have over 5k songs and they range from full albums by Metallica, Alison Krauss, the Who as well as Ike and Tina Turner. I have a really wide musical taste and because I play a multitude of instruments, I’ve learned to play a shit-ton of songs; on guitar especially.

Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam) wrote a song called, “Wild World”, which I learned to play a few years ago, and as I listened to this song earlier today, I couldn’t help but try to figure out what the FUCK he meant. Was he trying to tell “baby” that he really didn’t want her to end the relationship? Or was he reacting to the breakup in such a childish fashion that he felt as though he had to degrade “baby” by telling her that her only qualities were the fact that she had nice clothes and she was pretty?

The song was released in ’70, when Yusuf was 22. The woman the song was allegedly written about was 19. This is a sample of the conversation I would have had with him:

Me: “Dude, Cat, sit down with me, buddy. Did you ever sit down to think about the fact that you were a junior in high school before this chick even made it TO high school?! That’s done serious cradle robbing in that era of your existence.”
Cat: “…….”

I can’t really wrap my brain around his, sorry.

The point I’m making is this: regardless of what was going through his brain as he was recovering from TB, he wrote a great lyrical song. By the way, what kind of person leaves a partner when they’re sick/recovering from TB?! That’s shady, lady.

Sorry, I got distracted. Getting back to my original thought process, QUIT LISTENING TO SHITTY MUSIC!!! Expand your mind by listening to non-produced music. Go to wherever you acquire music (even if it’s online) and find the most obscure CD you can find. Seriously, it’s quite rewarding.

 


Robert_Johnson

ROBERT JOHNSON is a singer/songwriter from Hazlehurst, Mississippi.  His interests include liquor, women, and a proclivity for loitering around the crossroads in the dead of night.

Rihanna and Seven Other Celebrities Who Are NEARLY-NUDE (If You Look with Your REAL EYES)

rihanna

Chutzpah.  Gumption.  Moxy.  Whatever you wanna call it, Rihanna’s got it covered– and that’s about all she’s covering!  Everyone’s a-gaggle about the dress she wore to the CFDA Fashion Awards last night, and it’s no small wonder.  Just… look at her! Continue reading