It’s no secret that America’s schools are failing. If we were to guess how hard they’re failing on a scale of one to an endless romp in the desert with no end in sight that has already lasted as long as most students will spend in public schools, well… it’s way worse than that. So it’s time to look for an upgrade that can fly us on to victory– the F/A-18 Hornet. Let’s compare the Hornet to what we’re using now, shall we?
F/A-18 Hornet
Wingspan: 40 ft (12.3 m)
Height: 15 ft 4 in (4.7 m)
Maximum takeoff weight: 51,900 lb (23,500 kg)
Thrust with afterburner: 35,500 lbf (158.4 kN)
Maximum Speed: Mach 1.8 (1,190 mph, 1,915 km/h) at 40,000 ft (12,190 m)
Combat radius: 400 nmi (460 mi (740 km)) on air-air mission
Guns: 1× 20 mm (0.787 in) M61A1 Vulcan nose mounted 6-barreled Gatling cannon, 578 rounds
Air-to-air missiles:
4× AIM-9 Sidewinder or 4× AIM-132 ASRAAM or 4× IRIS-T or 4× AIM-120 AMRAAM and
2× AIM-7 Sparrow or 2× AIM-120 AMRAAM
7th-Grade Band Teacher, Wally Mankowitz
Wingspan: ≈ 5 ft, 6 in (1.7 m)
Height: 5 ft 6 in (1.7 m)
Maximum takeoff weight: 210 lb (95.3 kg)
Thrust with afterburner: 65 lbf (88.1 N)
Maximum Speed: 7 mph (11.3 km/h) at a good huff
Combat radius: lives across the street from the school
Guns: none; recently attended anti-gun-violence rally
Air-to-air missiles:
5 x chalk, mounted on that staff-drawing thingie
Verdict
The choice is obvious. The F/A-18 Hornet is clearly the more powerful machine in all key metrics. To answer our critics, we will examine one additional metric: cost.
F/A-18 Hornet: $29 million (C and D models), $57 million (E and F models)
Wally Mankowitz: $56,500/year
Though there may be some who balk at the increased cost of the Hornet, let’s get a few things straight. First off, has the Hornet been failing our students for years without any sort of reprisal? We didn’t think so. Additionally,all money spent on the Hornet goes to creating good-paying American jobs. What does Wally Mankowitz create? Funding will likely be easier to get for the Hornet, especially if parts are manufactured in a congressman’s home district.
It’s time to make the right decision for the kids– the F/A-18 Hornet.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.
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