Beards: The Sexy Face of Face-Sex


Unless you live under a rock, chances are you’re aware of who Hall and Oates are and have probably heard at least ONE of their songs. But here’s something you might not know: John Oates was nothing more than a mustache who played guitar while Daryl Hall was in front of the stage absolutely KILLING IT!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to take anything away from him because he wrote or co-wrote a good chunk of the H&O repertoire. However, what’s he done lately?!?!?! Huh?!?!?! Yeah, that’s right: NOTHING! John Oates hasn’t done shit since 1989 when he shaved off one of the top-five mustaches of all time. (For the record, Freddie Mercury had the greatest mustache of all time.)

Top Five Mustaches

  1. Freddie Mercury
  2. Tom Selleck
  3. Burt Reynolds
  4. Alex Trebek
  5. John Oates

Argue me, I dare you.

John Oates was swimming in so much soft-rock, easy-listening pussy that he felt like he needed to shave the ‘stache because he just couldn’t take it anymore. Can you imagine having SO MUCH PUSSY that you have to shave your ‘stache to calm it down?!?! Man, that’s a problem I’d like to have…well, if I could grow a mustache. Seriously, I’ve seen girls who have better mustaches than I do.


Daryl Hall took a page from Oates’ playbook and is now sporting a beard because CHICKS DIG BEARDS!!! Trust me, just ask any of the Ladies of Twitter, they’ll let you know.

Hall has his show, “Live from Daryl’s House” and it’s a great show. He brings in guests to jam and they stream it live as well as record it for playback. In addition to jamming with all of the amazing celebrity-guests, his wife us SMOKING! For real, she’s damn sure a M.I.L.F!

So, what I’m trying to say is this: grow your mustache, or even your beard. It’s certainly working for Billy Gibbons.




ROBERT JOHNSON is a singer/songwriter from Hazlehurst, Mississippi.  His interests include liquor, women, and a proclivity for loitering around the crossroads in the dead of night.

Review: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine”



Everybody knows that Nikola Tesla was brilliant.  (If you don’t, read all about him on The Oatmeal.  Do it!  Do it now!)

After the flop that was da Vinci’s “Hornithopter,” we thought we’d take a test drive of a work of true genius: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine.”  Now you may be saying to yourself, “Isn’t it a little weird to be sexualizing an invention of a man who himself was entirely celibate?” Continue reading