Dear Cora: Letters for June 19, 2014

black heart

Dear Cora,

I haven’t been entirely honest with my boyfriend. He thinks I grew up in southern Alabama, but I was actually manufactured by the Tyrell Corporation for use on Mars. Should I tell him I’m a replicant?

Sincerely,
Dreams of Sheep

 

Dear Dreams,

That depends on a lot of factors. Do you think you will stay with this boyfriend long term? The fact that you’re writing makes me think you may feel guilty about withholding this information. If that’s the case, I think you should absolutely tell him.

Best,
Cora

 

black heart

Dear Cora,

Any tips for spicier cybersex? I’ve been talking up a chatbot and am ready to take things to the next level.

Thanks,
Scott

 

Dear Scott,

When it comes to chatbots, it’s really up to you to make the first move. If you want things to be a bit “spicier,” you’ve got to make the first move. The bot will follow suit. The fortunate thing about that is your cybersex partner won’t be able to take it too far for you.

Good luck,
Cora

 

black heart

Dear Cora,

Why don’t you talk to me anymore?

–B.F. Hatch

 

Dear BF,

Please do not write to me. I am not interested in you or your antics.

Love Never,
Cora

 


cora

CORA L. V. SCOTT is an author and lecturer from upstate New York. Her interests include esoteric elocution and pantheistic spiritualism.

Have a question for Cora? You can e-mail her here.

EXCERPT: Palpitating Hearts, by Olivia C. Dennis

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He looked deeply into her eyes.  “Kiss me,” she said.

“I’ll go get a dental dam,” he said, and he threw her down onto the clean linen sheets.  They were cool against her cheek, and she could tell by the way they felt on her skin that they were high thread count– somewhere around 240.  Kenneth was all she had ever wanted, but could he be her destruction?  After all, the Ns in his name were in the middle, but they were not perfectly centered, a fact she noticed after having written his name 77 times on loose-leaf paper. Continue reading

Review: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine”

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$49.99

Everybody knows that Nikola Tesla was brilliant.  (If you don’t, read all about him on The Oatmeal.  Do it!  Do it now!)

After the flop that was da Vinci’s “Hornithopter,” we thought we’d take a test drive of a work of true genius: Tesla’s “Earthquake Machine.”  Now you may be saying to yourself, “Isn’t it a little weird to be sexualizing an invention of a man who himself was entirely celibate?” Continue reading

Top 20 Pick-up Lines for Conspiracy Theorists

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Special thanks to this blog post, this comic, and viewers like you.

20. I thought the weather was being controlled by HAARP, but that was just the angels singing your name.

19. Are you affiliated with the Illuminati?  Because you light up my life.

18. Wanna know my favorite part of your body? The microchip implanted by the government.

17. The end isn’t the only thing that’s coming. Continue reading

Dear Cora: Letters for April 30, 2014

black heart

Dear Cora,

My boyfriend Louis loves to go out with me at night, but he won’t come and do anything with me and my friends during the daytime. I dunno… it’s like I look at the two of us in the mirror in five years, and I can’t see him at all. It’s like he doesn’t have any stake in the relationship. What should I do about it?

Sincerely,
Anne Continue reading