NSFW Research Grant Proposals Due October 6, 2014

 

NSFW Grant Proposal Due Date Clarification

The NSFW proposal deadline date for Fall 2014 is October 6, 2014. All future years thereafter, the proposal deadline date will be September 15. If September 15 falls on a holiday or weekend, the proposal deadline date will be the first business day that occurs after that.

 

PROGRAM GUIDELINES

Solicitation 69-666

 

DUE DATES

Full Proposal Deadline Date: October 6, 2014
Full Proposal Deadline Date: September 15, 2015
September 15, Annually Thereafter

 

SYNOPSIS

This funding partnership between the National Science Foundation of the World (NSFW) and the Noticeably Endowed Hunks (NEH) supports projects to develop and advance knowledge concerning an abundance of NSFW topics. Made urgent by the imminent death of roughly half of the approximately 7000 currently used perversions, this effort aims to exploit advances in information technology to build computational infrastructure for cataloguing the insane and the icky. The program supports projects that contribute to data management and archiving, and to the development of the next generation of incorrigible perverts. Funding can support sex work and other activities relevant to the digital recording, documenting, and archiving of endangered perversions, including the preparation of lubes, sex toys, sex samples, and databases. Funding will be available in the form of one- to three-year senior research grants as well as fellowships for up to twelve months and doctoral dissertation research improvement grants for up to 24 months.

 

EDUCATIONAL OPPORTUNITY

This program provides educational opportunities for Undergraduate Students, Graduate Students, Postdoctoral Fellows, Werewolves, Wererats, Wereturtles, Vampires, Deep Ones, Elder Things, Crack Whores, Freemasons, Sasquatches, and members of the Bavarian Illuminati. Individuals interested in applying for funding should see the program guidelines above.

BATTERPROOF Makeup Lets You KNOW When You’ve Been Assaulted!

1.5 oz  –  $49.99
SPF 15

Could a cosmetic product save your life?  Thanks to three college students, the answer is yes!

Hot on the heels of Undercover Colors, the nail polish that changes color when exposed to date rape drugs, students in the Chemical Engineering and Cosmetology departments at Miskatonic University have developed BATTERPROOF, a type of foundation that changes colors when it comes into contact with certain objects often used to assault women, such as fists, feet, chair legs, and rifle butts.

Simply apply BATTERPROOF as you would your normal foundation.  You’ll barely know it’s there!  Then, walk confidently into any situation you might encounter in your everyday life, where an attack could be lurking around any corner.

The team explains:

While assault and battery are often used to facilitate sexual assault, very little science exists for their detection. Our goal is to invent technologies that empower women to protect themselves from this heinous and quietly pervasive crime. With our makeup, any woman will be empowered to discreetly ensure her safety by simply taking a good, solid punch. If her skin changes color, she’ll know that something is wrong.

This groundbreaking technological advance will benefit women in the workplace, walking to and from their cars late at night, out at clubs– even at home!  Soon, you too can know if you have been assaulted by a stranger, close acquaintance, family member, or spouse.

As for what to do with that knowledge…  we’re still working on that.  Get back to us.

 

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ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Ten Ways To Keep Your Children Safe from Indoctrination in Public Schools

Public school.  You know it’s a place full of bad influences: drugs, queers, evolution.  And yet you are a hard-working parent doing your best to get by– home schooling is expensive even without factoring in your lost income!  It’s just not a possibility for everyone.  Because of that, we’ve put together a list of ten things you can do as a concerned parent to make sure your little love-sponge isn’t going to soak up all the horror that is public school.

Top Ten Folk Cures for AIDS

Since its introduction into Africa by the CIA in the late 1970s, HIV/AIDS has ravaged the continent and beyond, and the people of the world clamor for a cure.  Thankfully, a handful of individuals and entrepreneurs are hard at work to find a cure, if only by trial and error.  In this article, we highlight some of the most notable efforts.

 

10. Sex with a virgin

Contrary to popular belief, the idea of the restorative powers of virgin-sex are not an invention of “savage Africans” who “lack morals”; the myth likely is a colonial transplant from some of the most moralistic people of all times, the Victorians.  The overall idea is that, to cleanse yourself of your vile infection, you need to wipe yourself off with something clean.  That “something clean” being a person.

Pros:

• (If consensual): Some good, clean fun.
• (If with a child): Not technically pederasty, since it’s not based on attraction to children.

Cons:

• (If non-consensual): This is rape, a crime considered in many societies to be on par with murder.
• (If with a child): The phrase “not technically pederasty” should never be used to justify anything.  Ever.
• Does not actually cure AIDS.  In fact, it spreads HIV.  Oh you damned, damned Victorians– how did you dream this up?