BREAKING: Maine Secedes from New England!

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AUGUSTA – On Wednesday morning, in a show of solidarity with the Scottish people, Maine Governor Paul LePage announced to reporters outside the statehouse Maine’s own bid for independence. “It is with great pride that we can finally stick it to the tax-and-spend loonies in Washington, and this coming November, have the choice to leave the bloated carcass of the United States, forging our own road as a free and independent Maine,” said the Governor.

Upon news of the upcoming independence referendum, lifelong Maine residents—or “Mainers”—were hopeful and optimistic. “This ah road, ayuh, issah good road now, tha we’re on,” said fifth-generation lobsterman Burt Ames, of Rockport.

Other residents said they support the bid for independence, but are concerned about the long-term viability of such a plan. “Theah’s boun’ ta be a few roadblocks, along the way,” said lumberjack John Bunford of Rumford. “But ah, we got a lot o good folks with good hahts, so I think we can get theah from heah.”

When asked about his plans for the fledging nation, if the referendum passes on November 4, Governor LePage declared that overall, Maine would remain “pretty much the same it was, except one or two things, considering.” When pressed about foreign policy, LePage declined to comment about rumors swirling about a proposed invasion of the neighboring Canadian province of New Brunswick, with the alleged aims of both reforming the defunct Republic of Madawaska, and settling the border dispute over Machias Seal Island and North Rock once-and-for-all.

Is response to the Governor’s announcement, Portland, Maine Mayor Michael Brennan announced the city’s intentions to remain a part of the United States, as an exclave of Massachusetts to be named “North Boston.” This will be first time the two territories have spoken since their bitter breakup in 1821, as a result of the Missouri Compromise.

 


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LAWRENCE JOSHUA CHAMBERLAIN is a proud Mainer.  He is a fan of little round tops and being governor of Maine

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My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.