NSFW Research Grant Proposals Due October 6, 2014

nsfw foundation


NSFW Grant Proposal Due Date Clarification

The NSFW proposal deadline date for Fall 2014 is October 6, 2014. All future years thereafter, the proposal deadline date will be September 15. If September 15 falls on a holiday or weekend, the proposal deadline date will be the first business day that occurs after that.



Solicitation 69-666



Full Proposal Deadline Date: October 6, 2014
Full Proposal Deadline Date: September 15, 2015
September 15, Annually Thereafter



This funding partnership between the National Science Foundation of the World (NSFW) and the Noticeably Endowed Hunks (NEH) supports projects to develop and advance knowledge concerning an abundance of NSFW topics. Made urgent by the imminent death of roughly half of the approximately 7000 currently used perversions, this effort aims to exploit advances in information technology to build computational infrastructure for cataloguing the insane and the icky. The program supports projects that contribute to data management and archiving, and to the development of the next generation of incorrigible perverts. Funding can support sex work and other activities relevant to the digital recording, documenting, and archiving of endangered perversions, including the preparation of lubes, sex toys, sex samples, and databases. Funding will be available in the form of one- to three-year senior research grants as well as fellowships for up to twelve months and doctoral dissertation research improvement grants for up to 24 months.



This program provides educational opportunities for Undergraduate Students, Graduate Students, Postdoctoral Fellows, Werewolves, Wererats, Wereturtles, Vampires, Deep Ones, Elder Things, Crack Whores, Freemasons, Sasquatches, and members of the Bavarian Illuminati. Individuals interested in applying for funding should see the program guidelines above.

Sixteen Buildings with Nipples


A sweet taste of India! 



Hot Medina!



From Russia with love!



STACKED in Bulgaria!



We’d like to get into this in Indonesia!



Good old American girls.



A golden shot from St. Petersburg!



CENTERFOLD: Sacre Coeur!



Holy wisdom, Batman!



A hottie from across the pond.



These domes rock!






Some action in the Vatican!






Juicy Scotland!



At the end of the day, we loves us some domes!


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Reddit has banned /r/TheFappening– WHAT ARE THEY TRYING TO HIDE?


The banning of the subreddit /r/TheFappening has many of us wondering… what are they trying to hide?  Is this a coverup?  And if so, who benefits?  Here are some of our pet theories that have been going around the Illuminaughty Boutique offices.


1. Jennifer Lawrence is the Sasquatch


I wonder if the carpet matches the… hmm.  It’s pretty much all carpet, I guess.  Must take a long time to shave!


2. Ariana Grande is Nessie


That cute top-knot thing she’s been doing?  THAT IS ACTUALLY HER NECK AND HEAD.


3. McKayla Maroney is the Chupacabra


She is not having it– unless “it” is fresh goat blood.


4. Kate Upton is the Manananggal


Rumors are flying about that she might not only separate from her boyfriend Justin Verlander, but also that she might separate her torso from her legs and fly around terrorizing the locals.


5. Kaley Cuoco is the Mongolian Death Worm


We’d had our suspicions all along.


One final possibility…




My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.


Jimmy Wales: Release Your Nude Selfies into the Public Domain!


Dear Mr. Wales,

We at Illuminaughty Boutique would first like to thank you for over a decade of leadership of the forces of good on the Internet.  Where would we be without Wikipedia?  Our guess is quite a bit dumber, albeit perhaps a bit better rested.  There’s no better time to read up on Tuvan throat-singing than 3:45 a.m. on a Wednesday.It is with that great esteem in mind that we write to you today.

We need you to save the Internet.

As you are likely already aware, a major breach of Apple’s iCloud has resulted in the violation of privacy of over 100 celebrities, including most notably Jennifer Lawrence.  Whether this was perpetrated by the 4chan trolls or merely celebrated by them, we have to do something.  Because this isn’t J-Law’s fault, and she shouldn’t be blamed for it.


It has been argued recently that when a monkey takes a selfie, it belongs to all of us, as a monkey is not a legal person and is therefore incapable of holding copyright.  Other selfies would, by Geneva Copyright Convention, fall under the immediate copyright of the author of the work.  But we believe that copyright is a shitty way to protect privacy, and that our culture has a bunch of problems with women that can’t be solved merely by quibbling over who has the rights to what.

Additionally, what constitutes fair use of a purloined selfie?  The mind recoils.

What we need to do is work as a culture to decrease the stigma around nude photos.  And this is where we believe that you are uniquely postured to make a difference.  By releasing a set of nude selfies– even just one really good one, we’re not picky– into the public domain, you can show that a respected and intelligent person can also be awkwardly naked on camera, and it’s no big deal.

Information wants to be free (balling).  We know we can count on you.


I beg to remain, Sir, your most humble and obedient servant,

My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

Adam Weishaupt
Illuminaughty Boutique

P.S. If you wanted to team up with Lawrence Lessig and do like a tag-team bit, that’d be cool too.  Just sayin’.



Alexander, Lamar

Atkinson, Rowan

Bachus, Spencer

Baier, Bret

Beck, Glenn

Beckel, Bob

Belzer, Richard

Biden, Joe

Bieber, Justin

Black, Jack

Blitzer, Wolf

Boehner, John

Bolton, John

Bolton, Michael

Boozman, John

Brownback, Sam

Buchanan, Pat

Burton, Dan

Buscemi, Steve

Busey, Gary

Bush, George H.W.

Butterfield, G.K.

Cain, Herman

Cardin, Ben

Carper, Tom

Carville, James

Cavuto, Neil

Chafee, Lincoln

Chambliss, Saxby

Cheney, Dick

Christie, Chris

Coats, Dan

Coble, Howard

Coltrane, Robbie

Coons, Chris

Crosby, David

Cross, David

Cuomo, Andrew

Curry, Tim

Dafoe, Willem

Daniels, Mitch

DeMint, Jim

Devito, Danny

Doocy, Steve

Franken, Al

Frelinghuysen, Rodney

Giamatti, Paul

Gleeson, Brendan

Gohmert, Louie

Gottfried, Gilbert

Graham, Lindsey

Grint, Rupert

Guzman, Luis

Hagee, John

Hannity, Sean

Hatch, Orrin

Inhofe, Jim

King, Angus

King, Peter

King, Steve

Koch, Charles

Koch, David

Krauthammer, Charles

Kristol, Bill

Limbaugh, Rush

Loaf, Meat

Lovitz, Jon

Macy, William H.

Malkovich, John

McCain, John

McConnell, Mitch

Moore, Michael

Myers, Mike

Nader, Ralph

Nash, Graham

Nolte, Nick

North, Oliver

Nugent, Ted

O’Briain, Dara

O’Reilly, Bill

Osment, Haley Joel

Osteen, Joel

Otter, Butch

Pence, Mike

Perot, H. Ross

Perry, Rick

Rangel, Charlie

Reid, Harry

Reilly, John C.

Richards, Keith

Rivera, Geraldo

Robertson, Pat

Rokita, Todd

Romney, Mitt

Ruppersberger, Dutch

Ryan, Paul

Sajak, Pat

Sanders, Bernie

Sanford, Mark

Schiff, Richard

Shawn, Wallace

Stills, Stephen

Stockman, Steve

Trump, Donald

Waits, Tom

Walken, Christopher

Walker, Scott

Waxman, Henry

Willard, Fred

Williams, Juan

Young, Neil


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

BATTERPROOF Makeup Lets You KNOW When You’ve Been Assaulted!


1.5 oz  –  $49.99
SPF 15

Could a cosmetic product save your life?  Thanks to three college students, the answer is yes!

Hot on the heels of Undercover Colors, the nail polish that changes color when exposed to date rape drugs, students in the Chemical Engineering and Cosmetology departments at Miskatonic University have developed BATTERPROOF, a type of foundation that changes colors when it comes into contact with certain objects often used to assault women, such as fists, feet, chair legs, and rifle butts.


Simply apply BATTERPROOF as you would your normal foundation.  You’ll barely know it’s there!  Then, walk confidently into any situation you might encounter in your everyday life, where an attack could be lurking around any corner.


The team explains:

While assault and battery are often used to facilitate sexual assault, very little science exists for their detection. Our goal is to invent technologies that empower women to protect themselves from this heinous and quietly pervasive crime. With our makeup, any woman will be empowered to discreetly ensure her safety by simply taking a good, solid punch. If her skin changes color, she’ll know that something is wrong.


This groundbreaking technological advance will benefit women in the workplace, walking to and from their cars late at night, out at clubs– even at home!  Soon, you too can know if you have been assaulted by a stranger, close acquaintance, family member, or spouse.

As for what to do with that knowledge…  we’re still working on that.  Get back to us.



My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.

Beards: The Sexy Face of Face-Sex


Unless you live under a rock, chances are you’re aware of who Hall and Oates are and have probably heard at least ONE of their songs. But here’s something you might not know: John Oates was nothing more than a mustache who played guitar while Daryl Hall was in front of the stage absolutely KILLING IT!!!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to take anything away from him because he wrote or co-wrote a good chunk of the H&O repertoire. However, what’s he done lately?!?!?! Huh?!?!?! Yeah, that’s right: NOTHING! John Oates hasn’t done shit since 1989 when he shaved off one of the top-five mustaches of all time. (For the record, Freddie Mercury had the greatest mustache of all time.)

Top Five Mustaches

  1. Freddie Mercury
  2. Tom Selleck
  3. Burt Reynolds
  4. Alex Trebek
  5. John Oates

Argue me, I dare you.

John Oates was swimming in so much soft-rock, easy-listening pussy that he felt like he needed to shave the ‘stache because he just couldn’t take it anymore. Can you imagine having SO MUCH PUSSY that you have to shave your ‘stache to calm it down?!?! Man, that’s a problem I’d like to have…well, if I could grow a mustache. Seriously, I’ve seen girls who have better mustaches than I do.


Daryl Hall took a page from Oates’ playbook and is now sporting a beard because CHICKS DIG BEARDS!!! Trust me, just ask any of the Ladies of Twitter, they’ll let you know.

Hall has his show, “Live from Daryl’s House” and it’s a great show. He brings in guests to jam and they stream it live as well as record it for playback. In addition to jamming with all of the amazing celebrity-guests, his wife us SMOKING! For real, she’s damn sure a M.I.L.F!

So, what I’m trying to say is this: grow your mustache, or even your beard. It’s certainly working for Billy Gibbons.




ROBERT JOHNSON is a singer/songwriter from Hazlehurst, Mississippi.  His interests include liquor, women, and a proclivity for loitering around the crossroads in the dead of night.

Dear Cora: Letters for June 19, 2014

black heart

Dear Cora,

I haven’t been entirely honest with my boyfriend. He thinks I grew up in southern Alabama, but I was actually manufactured by the Tyrell Corporation for use on Mars. Should I tell him I’m a replicant?

Dreams of Sheep


Dear Dreams,

That depends on a lot of factors. Do you think you will stay with this boyfriend long term? The fact that you’re writing makes me think you may feel guilty about withholding this information. If that’s the case, I think you should absolutely tell him.



black heart

Dear Cora,

Any tips for spicier cybersex? I’ve been talking up a chatbot and am ready to take things to the next level.



Dear Scott,

When it comes to chatbots, it’s really up to you to make the first move. If you want things to be a bit “spicier,” you’ve got to make the first move. The bot will follow suit. The fortunate thing about that is your cybersex partner won’t be able to take it too far for you.

Good luck,


black heart

Dear Cora,

Why don’t you talk to me anymore?

–B.F. Hatch


Dear BF,

Please do not write to me. I am not interested in you or your antics.

Love Never,



CORA L. V. SCOTT is an author and lecturer from upstate New York. Her interests include esoteric elocution and pantheistic spiritualism.

Have a question for Cora? You can e-mail her here.

What Does the BIBLE Say About CLEAVAGE?





Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Genesis 2:24)




And he shall cleave it with the wings thereof, but shall not divide it asunder: and the priest shall burn it upon the altar, upon the wood that is upon the fire: it is a burnt sacrifice, an offering made by fire, of a sweet savour unto the LORD. (Leviticus 1:17)




But ye that did cleave unto the LORD your God are alive every one of you this day. (Deuteronomy 4:4)

Thou shalt fear the LORD thy God; him shalt thou serve, and to him shalt thou cleave, and swear by his name. (Deuteronomy 10:20)

For if ye shall diligently keep all these commandments which I command you, to do them, to love the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, and to cleave unto him; Then will the LORD drive out all these nations from before you, and ye shall possess greater nations and mightier than yourselves. (Deuteronomy 11:22-23)

Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him. (Deuteronomy 13:4)

And there shall cleave nought of the cursed thing to thine hand: that the LORD may turn from the fierceness of his anger, and shew thee mercy, and have compassion upon thee, and multiply thee, as he hath sworn unto thy fathers; When thou shalt hearken to the voice of the LORD thy God, to keep all his commandments which I command thee this day, to do that which is right in the eyes of the LORD thy God. (Deuteronomy 13:17-18)

And every beast that parteth the hoof, and cleaveth the cleft into two claws, and cheweth the cud among the beasts, that ye shall eat. (Deuteronomy 14:6)

The LORD shall make the pestilence cleave unto thee, until he have consumed thee from off the land, whither thou goest to possess it. (Deuteronomy 28:21)

Moreover he will bring upon thee all the diseases of Egypt, which thou wast afraid of; and they shall cleave unto thee. (Deuteronomy 28:60)

That thou mayest love the LORD thy God, and that thou mayest obey his voice, and that thou mayest cleave unto him: for he is thy life, and the length of thy days: that thou mayest dwell in the land which the Lord sware unto thy fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them. (Deuteronomy 30:20)




But take diligent heed to do the commandment and the law, which Moses the servant of the LORD charged you, to love the LORD your God, and to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commandments, and to cleave unto him, and to serve him with all your heart and with all your soul. (Joshua 22:5)

But cleave unto the LORD your God, as ye have done unto this day. (Joshua 23:8)

Else if ye do in any wise go back, and cleave unto the remnant of these nations, even these that remain among you, and shall make marriages with them, and go in unto them, and they to you: Know for a certainty that the LORD your God will no more drive out any of these nations from before you; but they shall be snares and traps unto you, and scourges in your sides, and thorns in your eyes, until ye perish from off this good land which the LORD your God hath given you. (Joshua 23:12-13)


2 Kings


Nevertheless he cleaved unto the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, which made Israel to sin; he departed not therefrom. (2 Kings 3:3)

The leprosy therefore of Naaman shall cleave unto thee, and unto thy seed for ever. And he went out from his presence a leper as white as snow. (2 Kings 5:27)




His archers compass me round about, he cleaveth my reins asunder, and doth not spare; he poureth out my gall upon the ground. (Job 16:13)

My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth. (Job 19:20)

The nobles held their peace, and their tongue cleaved to the roof of their mouth. (Job 29:10)

If my step hath turned out of the way, and mine heart walked after mine eyes, and if any blot hath cleaved to mine hands; Then let me sow, and let another eat; yea, let my offspring be rooted out. (Job 31:7-8)

When the dust groweth into hardness, and the clods cleave fast together? (Job 38:38)




My strength is dried up like a potsherd; and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death. (Psalm 22:15)

An evil disease, say they, cleaveth fast unto him: and now that he lieth he shall rise up no more. (Psalm 41:8)

For our soul is bowed down to the dust: our belly cleaveth unto the earth. (Psalm 44:25)

Thou didst cleave the fountain and the flood: thou driedst up mighty rivers. (Psalm 74:15)

I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me. (Psalm 101:3)

By reason of the voice of my groaning my bones cleave to my skin. (Psalm 102:5)

My soul cleaveth unto the dust: quicken thou me according to thy word. (Psalm 119:25)

If I do not remember thee, let my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth; if I prefer not Jerusalem above my chief joy. (Psalm 137:6)

Our bones are scattered at the grave’s mouth, as when one cutteth and cleaveth wood upon the earth. (Psalm 141:7)




Whoso removeth stones shall be hurt therewith; and he that cleaveth wood shall be endangered thereby. (Ecclesiastes 10:9)


Song of Solomon


O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely. (Song of Solomon 2:14)




To go into the clefts of the rocks, and into the tops of the ragged rocks, for fear of the LORD, and for the glory of his majesty, when he ariseth to shake terribly the earth. (Isaiah 2:21)

For the LORD will have mercy on Jacob, and will yet choose Israel, and set them in their own land: and the strangers shall be joined with them, and they shall cleave to the house of Jacob. (Isaiah 14:1)




For as the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah, saith the LORD; that they might be unto me for a people, and for a name, and for a praise, and for a glory: but they would not hear. (Jeremiah 13:11)

Thy terribleness hath deceived thee, and the pride of thine heart, O thou that dwellest in the clefts of the rock, that holdest the height of the hill: though thou shouldest make thy nest as high as the eagle, I will bring thee down from thence, saith the LORD. (Jeremiah 49:16)




The tongue of the sucking child cleaveth to the roof of his mouth for thirst: the young children ask bread, and no man breaketh it unto them. (Lamentations 4:4)

Their visage is blacker than a coal; they are not known in the streets: their skin cleaveth to their bones; it is withered, it is become like a stick. (Lamentations 4:8)



Adriana Lima Victoria's Secret beautiful models from the sky a great cleavage.

And I will make thy tongue cleave to the roof of thy mouth, that thou shalt be dumb, and shalt not be to them a reprover: for they are a rebellious house. (Ezekiel 3:26)




And whereas thou sawest iron mixed with miry clay, they shall mingle themselves with the seed of men: but they shall not cleave one to another, even as iron is not mixed with clay. (Daniel 2:43)

Now when they shall fall, they shall be holpen with a little help: but many shall cleave to them with flatteries. (Daniel 11:34)




For, behold, the Lord commandeth, and he will smite the great house with breaches, and the little house with clefts. (Amos 6:11)




The pride of thine heart hath deceived thee, thou that dwellest in the clefts of the rock, whose habitation is high; that saith in his heart, Who shall bring me down to the ground? (Obadiah 1:3)




And the mountains shall be molten under him, and the valleys shall be cleft, as wax before the fire, and as the waters that are poured down a steep place. (Micah 1:4)




Thy bow was made quite naked, according to the oaths of the tribes, even thy word. Selah. Thou didst cleave the earth with rivers. (Habakkuk 3:9)




And his feet shall stand in that day upon the mount of Olives, which is before Jerusalem on the east, and the mount of Olives shall cleave in the midst thereof toward the east and toward the west, and there shall be a very great valley; and half of the mountain shall remove toward the north, and half of it toward the south. (Zechariah 14:4)






And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? (Matthew 19:5)




For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; And they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. (Mark 10:7-8)




Even the very dust of your city, which cleaveth on us, we do wipe off against you: notwithstanding be ye sure of this, that the kingdom of God is come nigh unto you. (Luke 10:11)




Who, when he came, and had seen the grace of God, was glad, and exhorted them all, that with purpose of heart they would cleave unto the Lord. (Acts 11:23)




Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good. (Romans 12:9)


My name is Adam, and I want you to be my Eve.

ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt.  His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.