This is the perfect summer accessory that really shows others why you are mumbling Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.
the revolution will not be machine washable
12. Cthulhu Claus
Every November 1, Cthulhu Claus brings gifts of madness to good little boys, girls and cultists the world round. But he could always come early this year!
death will come like a gift, swift in the night
11. Funsize Cthulhu
This is perfect for those cultists looking to keep their Elder God in their shirt pocket at all times.
close to your heart, within your heart, beyond your heart
10. Coon and Cthulhu and Friends
Deep down, this Elder God just wants a little buddy– he can’t help it if that Eric Cartman is higher up on the evil scale.
beyond is only Nyarlathotep, and beyond Nyarlathotep is only madness
9. Hello Cthulhu
This adorable Lord of Madness if perfect for those who love super cute Japanese cat anime and who are also into brutal misogyny.
sanity was never yours to keep
8. Steampunk Cthulhu
In case you love the Victorian Era and semi-modern, gear-decked gadgets, this if the Elder God for you.
he is older still than the stars
7. My Little Cthulhu
Insanity is magic with this little tyke.
sorcery is his gift and curse
You would like it in a padded cell.
You would like it very well.
deep inside your self-made hell
5. H. P. Yarncraft’s Knitthulhu
With the ultimate, unknowable evil stitched into it very fiber, this Elder God is super cute and huggable.
the revolution will NOT be machine-washable
4. Darth Cthulhu
With a stunning show of the Force, this adorable Sith Lord will haunt your waking dreams.
the sith quake at my name
3. My Neighbor Cthulhu
For all of those professors’ daughters out there who are looking for something a little darker than a woodland spirit, this option could prove appealing.
the trees shake at my name
With a combination of eyes much too big for that tiny tentacled mass of the body and it soft, plush skin, Chibithulhu is as cuddleable as it is madness-inducing.
the wise ne’er spake my name
Let’s face it — the number one choice has it all. It’s cute. It’s furry. It’s tentacled. And it is a combination of the most evil, sadistic and mischievous things in the universe and an Elder God.
THOMAS ANTHONY THACHER is a professor of classics and administrative official at Yale and a high priest of Wadjet-Bast. While not deciphering ancient Greek, Latin, Egyptian and Coptic texts, he can be found at home, tending and breeding his Egyptian Mau cats.