The tin-foil hat is the “little black dress” of the conspiracy theory fashion world. But the “just a bunch of foil hastily crumpled on your head” look is getting old. These new looks will blow your mind! Okay, so they won’t literally blow your mind– that’s the whole reason for wearing a tin-foil hat. But we guarantee that with this inspiration (and a little origami training), you’ll put the (in)spiration in (con)spiration!
The Garrison Cap
One look and you know this guy’s ready to play defense. Oh, and he’s holding a gun.
It’s not just for World War I-era German soldiers anymore.
The Baseball Cap
The all-American favorite, for those who respect and protect the REAL Constitution.
Fancy avoiding being detected by you here, hot stuff.
The Alpine Hat
Are you feeling jaunty? I’m feeling jaunty! We’re all feeling jaunty!
Pardon the Persian name. It won’t let the Iranians bore through your skull. Besides, they weren’t the ones you were worried about, were they?
The medieval favorite, updated for the 21st century. PRO TIP: Consider a gossamer scarf of wax paper or cling-wrap coming up and out the top, for the complete look.
If it doesn’t protect you from the space aliens, at least they might think you’re one of them.
Ever wonder how the Dragonborn got their dragonblood? Well… look at our next hat.
For when you don’t want them to modify your brainwaves, and you absolutely do NOT want them to see your whole face.
A unisex fashion slam-dunk!
PRO TIP: Consider pairing with an aluminum-foil smoking jacket and matching pipe for the “going Mufti” look.
How better to practice modesty both in thought and in dress by hiding your thoughts as you cover your head? (Check with your imam.)
Even more modest, even more concealing. We did find one that had no eye-holes either, but… that seemed a little silly.
Surprisingly easy to make: just make a taller version of the garrison cap (pictured above) and fold the top over slightly. An instant classic!
If the Centurion style has gotten a little stale in your social circle, step it up a notch.
This hat shows you are the fringe of the fringe! Pictured here with matching tin-foil bra.
“I’ve always depended on the kindness of strangers.” NOT. Strangers are to be feared. But you can still look beautiful while you do it!
The High Society
This would be seen all over the catwalks at Fashion Week, but it has rendered its wearers invisible to RF-signals and most photography.
This crafty hat could also be used to strain spaghetti with just a few holes poked in it.
The Top Hat
Our #1 cylindrical headgear choice of the year.
The Pyramid Hat
Another regular solid that made the list. Just be careful you whip up pyramid hat and not Pyramid Head.
A side too far? Some may call you a square, but we think this one works if you really own the look.
The Noodle Hat
Certain to grab attention and to pick up an extra television station or two.
The Loopy Louie
The classiest complex toroid short of the Klein bottle.
The Plague Doctor
We’re not sure if it’ll ward off the bubonic plague, but it’ll at least keep ’em out of your brain-box while your glands are swelling up.
The Aerodynamic Witch Hat
“We are the weirdos, mister.”
The Full Viking
If they do find you, the spikes will help you fight ’em off, at least. PRO TIP: Consider pairing with hide armor and a Greataxe +3 vs. Reptilians.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.