We all know that racists are tiny people. But just how small can racists get? Come with us as we explore under the microscope and beyond!
18. Racist Midgets
This midget is a proponent of race war. But only against the blacks. What an asshole.
17. Racist Miniature Pinschers
They keep saying dogs are colorblind, but we don’t believe it for a second. Just look at these goose-steppers.
16. Racist Babies
Don’t let this cutie-pie fool you. By the age of six months, babies are able to differentiate between races. It all begins then.
15. Racist Web Cams
We believe the video speaks for itself.
14. Racist Finches
Various species of finches across the Galapagos Archipelago have adapted independently based on their own neighborhoods to the point where they will no longer interbreed. Really, you’re going to call out another bird because of the shape of their nose?
13. Racist Moths
12. Racist Crabs
Pubic lice, head lice, and body lice are all morphologically similar, but they will not breed except under laboratory conditions. We are going to move on quickly from this example, because everyone is itching just thinking about it.
11. Racist Macrophages
Often hailed as a “vital part of the immune system,” macrophages actively seek out foreign cells such as bacteria to destroy them. Sounds pretty damned racist. The process is known as phagocytosis… just sounds like they shouldn’t be casting the first stone, if you ask us.
10. Racist Malaria
9. Racist T-Cells
8. Racist DNA
Literally the source of all racists. Next!
7. Racist Antibodies
If T-cells are the shooter, then antibodies are the gun. And don’t even start with any of that “antibodies don’t kill viruses, T-cells kill viruses” business. They are all implicated.
6. Racist Osmosis
Semipermeable membranes allow some through but hold others back. How is that fair?
5. Racist Histamines
Other cells may be doing the dirty work in an allergic reaction, but histamines are the ones inciting it all. Don’t pretend that you’re anaphylactically shocked.
4. Racist Oils
We all know the old canard, “like oil and water.” Where do you think that comes from? Just watch the video. Notice how the oil and the water switch places? You know what we call that? Gentrification.
3. Racist “Noble” Gases
Patriarchal, Eurocentric institutions have called these isolationist atoms “noble” for far too long. They refuse to bond in any way except under extreme circumstances. (I’m looking at you, xenon hexafluoride.) Enjoy traveling through the atmosphere all alone, jerkoffs.
2. Racist Electrons
On the subatomic level, we find some of the most extreme examples of racism. The negative electric field provided by electrons means that no people truly ever touch each other. Hugging your mother? Kissing a loved one? All thwarted at the ångström scale by goddamned electrons. You just want to shake them and ask, what is wrong with you? Why do you hate love?
1. Racist Positrons
How were we able to find something even more racist than the electron? Well, the positron is antimatter. It is against all matter. It literally wants to make all matter explode. Oh sure, they’ll talk about how we could all be happy with two separate but equal worlds– one for matter, one for antimatter– but when it comes down to it, don’t believe the spin.
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.