Chutzpah. Gumption. Moxy. Whatever you wanna call it, Rihanna’s got it covered– and that’s about all she’s covering! Everyone’s a-gaggle about the dress she wore to the CFDA Fashion Awards last night, and it’s no small wonder. Just… look at her!
The fishnet dress by Adam Selman is studded with 216,000 Swarovski crystals which are held together by unicorn farts and magic, for all we can tell.
It’s not the first time Rihanna’s worn something incredibly revealing, but it’s one of the best. She looks like a 1920s flapper fairy princess wizard woman.
Here at Illuminaughty Boutique, we’re all about body positivity, and we think that if Rihanna wants to show off what she’s got, more power to her! But there could also be something else going on– if we look under the surface, if we look beyond the lie.
Have you ever thought that the wool was being pulled over our eyes? Or, in this case, over our celebrities? The movie They Live was instructive in that, if you put on a special pair of sunglasses, you can see through the bullshit. Let’s try it with these fashionistas!
Let’s start with Coco Rocha. Sure, the top part is naked enough, but mind-waves are blocking you from seeing the bottom part. So put on your standard-issue conspiracy theorist Sunglasses of Truth +1. And… look again!
WOW! See the difference? She looks almost naked. Now take ’em off again.
Back to being socially acceptable. We’ll try a few more, but just leave your glasses on for these.
Chanel Iman is beautiful as she is… but with your special sunglasses, you can imagine her without any clothes at all. So scandalous!
Solange is no stranger to controversy recently, but… with your special sunglasses, we bet you’ve already stripped that dress right off of her. Just to preserve journalistic integrity and best cover your sources, of course.
We can’t tell if those titty-flaps are a distraction or are meant to enhance the effect of our special glasses. Marion Cotillard, we see through a good part of your dress and want to remind you that we still respect you as a person. Also, your work in Big Fish and Inception was amazing.
We love Lupita N’yongo! Her wardrobe here, however, is classic dazzle camouflage. It’ll take some real skills to see through it, but we bet you can see past her award-winning acting talent and really focus on dem titties.
Back to Blake Lively. Use the glasses or go without, and you can take off this fairly modest dress to reveal a female form beneath. Ridicule it! Sexy or not, there’s a nasty angle you can take to deride her, somehow.
AVERT! AVERT! THERE ARE NAKED THINGS HERE WE CAN’T TALK ABOUT!!
ADAM WEISHAUPT is a Professor of Law at the University of Ingolstadt. His hobbies include rationalism, masonry, and opposition to Kantian idealism.